Women often ask their male friends, “Why do guys love [insert sexual activity here] when it comes to the bedroom?” The response we give women range from “I don’t know we just do, why do you love shoes?” to a blank stare as if you were a Martian from a different planet. The fact is, there are some facts as to the way we think about sex. You don’t have to understand them, you just have to know them.

There are several fantasies most men have. The most popular is having a threesome. Every man thinks about it, and if given an opportunity, most men would participate. Another not so well known fantasy most men have involves domination. This old Time article explains it a bit more in depth, however if you think about it on a practical level, this sexual fantasy makes plenty of sense. Men are fed a masculine image that is persuasive throughout every action. We must act manly, be manly, and always remain as the “Alpha”. It’s the same reason many men enjoy rough sex, or often fantasize about forced sex (bondage, etc.). It’s about the man being in power.

Other than the fantasies, there are several activities most men enjoy or would like. I don’t know of a guy who doesn’t enjoy being on the receiving end of oral sex. I would like to think, regardless of your sexual preference, a blow job lands high on the “to do” list. Anal sex is a different argument, most men fantasize about engaging in anal sex, as others are scared away. The reason we often seek it, it’s a completely different feeling and sensation. There’s also a level of trust and as previously stated, display of male masculinity in the act.

I could go on about the majority of things most men enjoy. I’ve barely touched the surface of clothing (stockings and socks is a common male attention getter), the reasons we love bigger breasts than smaller ones, and why we love younger women. Some of these topics are future blog posts. However, the point I would like to make, there are some hardened facts about male sexuality that shouldn’t be questioned. Women aren’t going to change the mindset of the entire male population anytime soon. There are common sexual activities we enjoy (the basics listed and described above), they are as factual as the sky is blue. While scientific and anthropological reasonings can be used to detail these phenomena, we men don’t call up scientists and our local anthropologists to figure out why women have closets filled with shoes. While we may question and never understand women’s shoes fetish, we often accept them as fact.

When it comes to sex, there are some male facts that women should just accept, and determine their own comfortability with them.

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Sex, like anything else, is about experimentation, where much of it happens with another body, or thru watching porn. However, in an age where there’s enough STDs to turn anyone celibate, and increasingly unrealistic porn; alternatives must exist that provide the same experimentation without any of the risks. Enter the many virtual worlds, social networks, and IM clients that can be used for sexual exploration. Yes, we’re talking about cybersex. Cybersex provides the most of the mental exploration and can help improve your real life sexual experiences.

Cybersex isn’t anything new. Its been around since the first email (I’m quite sure.) Cybersex relies on the core of any sexual experience, our minds. Sex is a very mental process and combines with the physical aspects to create a very intense act. A person who isn’t comfortable or ins’t into the moment, could receive the best physical pleasures and still remain unsatisfied. However, if you get to their mind, the problem seems to disappear. The mind, in my opinion, is the most important aspect of sex. Cybersex relies on each individuals mind to create and explore the many fantasies and situations. It provides an environment where the mind can be strengthened and reused for real world uses.

There are limitations between real physical sex and cybering, and in no way am I suggesting it acts as a replacement for the real thing. I’m indicating it could be an added tool to improve your experience. In some cases it can even be a testing ground to see what turns you on, or what turns on a potential partner. Finding places to have cybersex isn’t too hard either, search any themed chat room, run around World of Warcraft or Second Life, or try a service like Badoo.

Personally, for years I’ve used cybersex as a way to explore my sexual preferences and help overcome some anxieties about sex. While some people can develop a dependency, nothing replaces actual practice. Due to my online explorations my mind has become broadened to the many pleasurable things sex can provide.

Photo By: Oleg Malashevich

Fact: you’re replaceable in the bedroom. In the dating and relationship world, we all over think about sex. Elephants, monkeys and cockroaches all have sex, but I don’t see any elephant porn, monkeys on poles, or blogs about spicing your sex life in the cockroach motel. We analyze sex to the point that we forget a simple fact; we can easily be replaced! You’re skill between the sheets doesn’t secure your place in the bedroom. Regardless of your sexual talents, there’s always someone better, more detailed and willing to do things you may not have an interest.

Don’t get m wrong, sex is great, but it gets old. Especially when it is the basis of a relationship.

Relationships focused on sex will fail when the sex ends. Often they turn into “what can you do for me now” relationships. I’m not suggesting there’s a problem with purely sexual relationships, but there are plenty of consequences; if sex isn’t involved there isn’t much interest. This is true for men more than women, sex for us is a release. If we establish a relationship based on sex, and those arrangement change, we will seek elsewhere.

Several women have asked me why men weren’t wooing them. In many of their cases, they would meet a guy they like, have sex with them, and soon thereafter the guy would disappear or the relationship would never get beyond “friends with benefits.” Often, I found these women have sex with the guy at the earliest possible convenience, and then continue their relationship on a sex-first basis. They jumped at their first opportunity to have sex with the guy, instead of really getting to know him. The reason these women aren’t wooed is because the excitement in the relationship isn’t the time spent with the person, it’s the time spent naked with them.

In a relationship sex is an important aspect, but not the sole component. The time spent thru dates, attending events, and shared hobbies become the focal point of a relationship. The reasoning? There’s a connection when you date someone, opposed to just sleeping with them. Dates are fun, exciting, and should be enjoyable. The time spent with someone, doing something both of you enjoy is more memorable and emotionally stimulating. I guarantee you, a year long of great dates will never cause a relationship to become boring.

Sex, however, can be boring. It becomes monotonous, repetitive and predictable. The only solution becomes finding a new sexual partner, and Finding someone to have sex isn’t hard.

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I’m not the most experienced person when it comes to sex, I was a virgin until about 25. Since then, women weren’t lining up to get naked and show me the ropes. Every so often I would enjoy the company of a naked women between the sheets, but not often enough to call myself a sexual master, there was still much to learn.

When I was younger, my cousin explained to me that sex wasn’t a guaranteed orgasm. She once told me, “sometimes it happens early, late, right on time or not at all. But that’s okay!” This message was re-enforced by one of my best friends, who keeps reminding me that, “sex gets better each time you have it! Every time I have sex with my boyfriend, it gets better and better.” It wasn’t until recently, that I understand the point everyone was trying to make.

There isn’t a guarantee that you’ll have an orgasm every time you have sex. It doesn’t mean that sex isn’t enjoyable, it just means that an orgasm didn’t happen. A part of the fun about sex is finding out what causes an orgasm, what new things you can do to find and create the release of an orgasm. My friends have often mentioned some of the best sex they had didn’t include an orgasm. I thought they were lying until I had the same phenomena occurred to me.

Sex is meant to be enjoyed by you and your partner. The more enjoyable it is, the better it will be. There are some factors that make the process more or less enjoyable, such as sexual compatibility, preferences, and both of your level of kink. However, there isn’t a right or wrong answer to having enjoyable sex or purely orgasmic sex. Great sex with one person, may be horrible with another. Someone may really enjoy slow sex, as another person like it hard. Sex isn’t a scientific formula, what work for someone one night may not work for the same person another night. As long as you’re having fun, enjoying the act, everything should work well in the end.

Sex isn’t about the orgasm, it’s about the sex. Which may sound odd, but it helped relieve much of my anxiety about sex. You don’t have to be a virtuoso every time you have sex, you just have to have fun and enjoy the moment! The orgasm will come.

Photo By: Caitra_

We guys are often vexed by the female orgasm. It seems hard to find it, or to know if she’s having one. In reality, the female orgasm isn’t the moving target as we all believe it to be. It’s quite easy make a woman shiver while under the sheets than we’re led on to believe; we just have to stop thinking like men. Making us go crazy is quite easy, stroke us enough and we’ll shiver, shake and collapse in a pleasure coma. For women it’s a bit different, first you need to find her pleasure hot-zones, and second you need to integrate them while having sex.

Finding what makes your woman twinge seems like a difficult process. It’s not, it merely requires foreplay. Use foreplay to find out what really turns her on, what she likes, doesn’t like, and most importantly, what makes her feel comfortable. There are some basics (such as kissing her neck, fondling her breasts, etc), Once you find out what she enjoys the most, experiment, run your fingers slowly down her spine or over her legs, grab her butt. She’ll appreciate your attempts in finding out what makes her tick and what makes her excited!

Once you determine what turns her on, integrate them while having sex. If she enjoys having her mammaries touched, touch them; if she likes being spanked, spank her. They are valuable addictions to the general monotony of sex. Be sure to rotate, don’t do any one thing frequently or for too long or else it will become repetative and stale. If you’re not having fun, she’s not having fun and the entire exercise is pointless.

Remember, not every woman is the same. Things that may have worked for one woman, man not work for the other. Be sure to find out what she likes, and ask her afterwards what she thought and what she really enjoyed.

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First are the braggers, the women who claim to be the best in bed. I’ve often found these women to be nothing but talk. There isn’t an Emmy for blowjobs, an Oscar for moaning and a SAG award for freakiness. Unless you’re in porn, there isn’t hardware for the hard-ons. The women who rank their sexual prowess, often delude themselves. I don’t care how many men you have lined up to bed you, there’s always someone better. I’ve found, these women tend to relay on the man to do the heavy lifting. When the sex is bad, they often blame the guy, but when it’s good often take the credit themselves. If the guy is doing all of the work, it’s the guy who deserves the credit. You don’t get an award for showing up.

Several times I’ve met a woman who enjoys foreplay, but doesn’t want to take the next step forward. During my long stretch as a virgin or any extreme dry spell, I joked that I was being too generous and engaging in too much foreplay. I enjoy foreplay, I feel it’s the best part of sex, but I’ve often found myself getting a woman off well before I did. I would never receive any reciprocation. I’ve found, these women tend to be greedy. Not just sexually, but throughout the relationship process. They felt entitled for the things they wanted, regardless of how ludicrous is may have been, without any consideration of their partner.

Every person has certain rules about sex, some legitimate, others are abnormal. Dog Lady was the latter of these type of women, as she had some very strange rules. While her performance in bed was horrible, it was proceeded with a lot of teasing, dry humping, and at a certain point she would introduce a random rule from left field. Some rules were legitimate and made plenty of sense, others were asinine and were excuses for her own insecurities. I found out Dog Lady, extremely enjoyed rape play, and wasn’t proud of her hygiene. While I have nothing wrong with most kinks (including rape play), she seemed to take it to a level I’ve never experienced in the past. I soon found out there was a story behind her kink, and she also convinced herself it was okay, as a woman, to be raped by any man. Her hygiene was a separate issue. Her garden was a mess and had a very foul order. Her rules surrounding sex, and these two issues, were covers for her major insecurities and struggles with her past. She was afraid I would be scared away. In truth, I was.

Like men, women have their own quirks about sex. While sex tends to be an intimate process, how your partner approaches the topic tends to add an additional layer of information about their preferences and personality. The lessons I’ve learned aren’t the norm for every woman, but they were a part of several patterns. Bad sex happens to the best of us, but a person’s sexual history and patterns speaks volumes about a person. If some troubling sexual patterns emerge, be warned and take caution. Make sure you can deal with the possible potholes that exist in the bedroom, but also make sure you don’t make some dire mistakes.

Image Source: AnnyMal Design on Flickr

Simone Grant asked a very interesting question this week, “Could you enter into a long-term relationship with someone who didn’t satisfy you sexually? Could you marry that person?” I don’t have a clear cut yes or no answer. As I was beginning to explain my answer in the comments, I came across another blog post on the topic making me reevaluate the question. I feel this is more of an issue about settling and think of the question as “Are you settling if you remain in a relationship with unsatisfactory sex?” The answer is yes, but… only if both partners do not try to resolve the problem.

As I’ve previously mentioned, settling is if you’re dating someone you completely do not like. I believe this goes for sex, you are settling if the sex is bad. However, if there hasn’t been any attempts to rectify the situation, you’re not trying. If your partner in bed is horrible, making them better isn’t such a hard thing, unless they are not open to the possibilities. Making improvements in the bedroom isn’t a taboo topic. There’s plenty of material on how to improve someone’s sex performance, sex workshops, and plenty of material online to help liven the bedroom action.

What if your the one that needs improvement? Well, you should take the time to understand what your partner enjoys sexually. Keep an open mind to their preferences, kinks and pleasures, then experiment. If you are completely closed off to the idea of trying anything new, then you may need to find another person. I believe sex is a core component to a healthy relationship. If the sex is bad, the relationship is going to suffer.

Only after both individuals in a relationships have tried to resolve the problems in the bedroom can you consider it settling. Otherwise, you’re not trying hard enough.

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We’re all not looking for booty calls and someone to keep the bed warm at night. The least we’re seeking is a person we can trust and have continued sexual relations. The key component here is trust, which means we must like you and have some commitment to you. Women should understand men have a very different relationship with sex than women. For us there’s less risk involved. If something goes wrong, we don’t have to deal with a nine-month pregnancy and possibly raising a kid for the next 18 years. That sort of risk women generally don’t take with some random guy or a person they really don’t know. It’s a hell of a risk!

Sex is very important to men in relationships. If we can’t satisfy a woman sexually, we feel humiliated and useless. It’s almost as bad as forgetting birthday’s, anniversaries, or specific information. We like to share sex with our partner, if they enjoy it, we enjoy it. In some ways it’s a way of showing women how much we want you and aim to please you. We prefer to do this with the same partner, someone who really gets us excited and we are willing to commit to that person on more than just a sexual level. While sex may be important, the personality of the woman we’re with ranks higher.

This is the opposite information women are given about men, that’s because you’re choosing the wrong type of guy! If you keep on finding men who want booty calls and you want more, find a different type of guy! Women, you change shoes, clothing, and jewelry instantly if it doesn’t fit you, why not do the same with the type of man your seeking? A majority of men aren’t looking for booty calls, your just finding the wrong type of guy.

(Image Creidt: laurenmarek on Flickr)

It begins with the “Have It Your Way” mentality to dating. I may sound like a broken record, but I believe this is a huge stumbling block for all women. Stop shrinking the size of your dating pool with unreasonable requirements. Reasonable requirements are having a steady job, not being on drugs or maintaing proper hygiene. Unreasonable requirements are selecting men who only drive BMW’s, taller than 5’11”, and have green eyes. Imagine the possibilities if some of these dating requirements were relaxed (so instead of a BMW, maybe your perfect guy is driving a Toyota, or is 5’9”.)

The narrower your selection of men, the more likely you’re going to continue dating the same type of guy. Many tend seek a very specific type of guy when they find him are thrilled. He’s “perfect”. They tend to over look his major faults. I’ll be honest with you, the perfect guy does not exist! We tried to build him, but ended up with shiny Twilight vampires. Like everyone else, men have our faults and we can be compensating for them. Seeking a “mans-man”? He’s likely going to be insecure or jealous. Want a toned pretty boy? I hope your ready to meet his other three girlfriends. Seeking someone very effeminate? Don’t be surprised when his boyfriend appears. By pigeonholing your dating selection, you will only find those type of men. The very effeminate, pretty boy mans-man, does not exist! Take a moment and reflect on all of the bad relationships you’ve been in and why they’ve ended. Now compare these guys to each other. If your finding many similarities between each of these men, date a different type of guy!

All men have a very different relationship with sex than women. You make us feel bad about it. Stop! Moxie’s post started with a question from a women who spent two days with a guy in his place, cuddling and kissing. No sex. How sex wasn’t involved is beyond me, but I have some assumptions. The idea that men only think about sex is well overblown, women you think about it as well, probably more than we do. We approach sex differently, the difference is if something goes wrong we don’t have to deal with a 9 month pregnancy. This isn’t being an asshole, it’s pure biology. There’s less risk for us. If the men you’re attracting just want sex, re-read the paragraphs above and begin searching for a new type of guy. If you spend two days at a guys apartment kissing, there should be some sex going on. Even if he doesn’t bring it up. This isn’t a guy thing, this is a human thing. If we’re in a situation that usually leads to sex, we’re going to act on that impulse.

At some point, women have to stop buying into the “all men are assholes” myth; that sex is our only priority; and the perfect guy who fits a list of requirements is out there. Shows and movies like Sex in The City and magazines like Cosmopolitan have warped your mind. Many of the advice you receive is just as good as the advice we get from Maxim. You have to stop being irrational about the people you want to date, what you want from a guy, and what you’re truly looking for. This is why your accepting less. You keep on dating guys who give you a tiny bit but fit your insane requirements, and that makes you happy. If Megan Fox were to send me a message on Facebook that she wanted to have dinner at the last minute, I would be the happiest guy in the world. I wouldn’t care if it was rude and ruined my evening, just that a super hot girl wants dinner with me tonight. If you want someone who’s a gentleman, funny, and exiting, it shouldn’t matter that he lives in Flatbush or the Upper West Side. The 2 Train has stops in both areas.