Fact: you’re replaceable in the bedroom. In the dating and relationship world, we all over think about sex. Elephants, monkeys and cockroaches all have sex, but I don’t see any elephant porn, monkeys on poles, or blogs about spicing your sex life in the cockroach motel. We analyze sex to the point that we forget a simple fact; we can easily be replaced! You’re skill between the sheets doesn’t secure your place in the bedroom. Regardless of your sexual talents, there’s always someone better, more detailed and willing to do things you may not have an interest.

Don’t get m wrong, sex is great, but it gets old. Especially when it is the basis of a relationship.

Relationships focused on sex will fail when the sex ends. Often they turn into “what can you do for me now” relationships. I’m not suggesting there’s a problem with purely sexual relationships, but there are plenty of consequences; if sex isn’t involved there isn’t much interest. This is true for men more than women, sex for us is a release. If we establish a relationship based on sex, and those arrangement change, we will seek elsewhere.

Several women have asked me why men weren’t wooing them. In many of their cases, they would meet a guy they like, have sex with them, and soon thereafter the guy would disappear or the relationship would never get beyond “friends with benefits.” Often, I found these women have sex with the guy at the earliest possible convenience, and then continue their relationship on a sex-first basis. They jumped at their first opportunity to have sex with the guy, instead of really getting to know him. The reason these women aren’t wooed is because the excitement in the relationship isn’t the time spent with the person, it’s the time spent naked with them.

In a relationship sex is an important aspect, but not the sole component. The time spent thru dates, attending events, and shared hobbies become the focal point of a relationship. The reasoning? There’s a connection when you date someone, opposed to just sleeping with them. Dates are fun, exciting, and should be enjoyable. The time spent with someone, doing something both of you enjoy is more memorable and emotionally stimulating. I guarantee you, a year long of great dates will never cause a relationship to become boring.

Sex, however, can be boring. It becomes monotonous, repetitive and predictable. The only solution becomes finding a new sexual partner, and Finding someone to have sex isn’t hard.

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The beauty about being in a long term relationship is, most of the concerns that arise while dating tend to fade away. The flaw about being in a long term relationship is, most of the concerns that arise while dating tend to return. You would think I would be completely comfortable with Rule Breaker at this point in our relationship. I think that I am, but every moment I spend with her, I find myself become increasingly comfortable with her. I’m always discovering a new level of comfort and security with her.

At first I needed to see her every day, to ensure things would be okay, but at the moment, I’m past the point.

Since the beginning, I’ve overcome several insecurities stemming from my history with women. Historically, the woman I’m interested in tend to run away, seemingly disappearing and never to be heard from ever again. At the beginning of the relationship with Rule Breaker, I expected her to walk away. At one point I was sure there was going to be an end, and she would be yet another failed attempt in a relationship. I was wrong.

My fears and insecurities began to drive my decision making process. I would often compensate and become too comfortable. I would put my foot in my mouth and say things that could be misconstrued. I quickly realized that while honesty and openness in a relationship is key, there are some things that you shouldn’t mention. They are certain boundaries in any relationship that must be respected. I often found myself dancing along the edges of these boundaries. Not every experience was bad, every time I crossed a boundary, it turned into a learning process. A process that made me realize I had become too comfortable with her. I was letting every thought slip from my mind to her ear.

I’m not suggesting that men shouldn’t open up to their girlfriends, reveal their most intimate thoughts, and tell them how they are feeling. I’m suggesting you may want to maintain some restraint during certain periods of the relationship. The beginning of a relationship isn’t the best time to talk about meeting the family, kids, and getting married. You shouldn’t be that comfortable within the first month, you’re still learning about this woman. Just because you have a girlfriend, doesn’t mean she can’t turn into your ex-girlfriend tomorrow. Having the title doesn’t ensure she’ll stay around forever. For me in new relationships, I recommend caution during the beginning.

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Roughly a month ago, I had a sit down dinner with one of my best friends. While talking she mentioned she wasn’t excited about her boyfriend, the way she was when they first met.

“Do you still love him?” I asked.

“Yes!”

“Do you still care for him?”

“Yes!”

“Do you still want to be with him?”

“Yes!”

I suggested the reason her excitement has diminished is because he’s a part of her every day routine. It doesn’t mean there isn’t any excitement, but it’s not a shock that she has a boyfriend. The same happens with friends. When I meet a new friend I’m always excited to hang out with them and invite them to many activities. Overtime the excitement fades into normalcy, they’re a friend and a part of my life.

Three months into my relationship with Rule Breaker, the same feeling has come over me. I’m not excited about having a girlfriend anymore. With each passing day, I’ve become comfortable with the knowledge that I am in a relationship with a wonderful, attractive woman.

The honeymoon period has run it’s course for me. I no longer feel apart of some dream or in shock about my current relationship. Even though it’s been three months, she’s a part of my life, a part of my day to day. The things I were accustomed to doing alone in the past, don’t feel natural anymore.Going to an event, or even a bar alone doesn’t feel right, if anything it feels awkward when she’s not with me. It’s almost as if having this woman in my life is normal.

Just because I’m not excited about having a girlfriend, doesn’t mean I’m not excited about my girlfriend. Those are two different situations. I’m excited when I see her, when I spend time with her, and plan dates with her. I’m at the point where I believe I SHOULD have a girlfriend, (especially one like her).

We all come to a point where new routines feel normal. If there isn’t some form of communication between Rule Breaker and I throughout the day, I feel odd, as if something isn’t right. If I don’t see her at last once a week, I feel a bit strange, if not a bit lost. She’s become an important part of the day to day fabric of my life, which I believe is more important than being excited about having a girlfriend. Relationships based on excitement aren’t often long lasting. Excitement tends to fade.

Photo By: Candida.Performa

Having a relationship doesn’t mean the end of your dating life. Actuality, a relationship means you’re dating the same person exclusively. Throughout the exclusive period, there’s still a lot to learn. The same concerns, pitfalls, and situations exist as when you’re not in an exclusive relationship. I find myself often reacting to many of my insecurities, but having to manage them with one person and not many.

In the past three months of being Rule Breaker’s boyfriend, I’ve learned a lot about the meaning of a relationship. I’ve never considered a relationship to be the balls and chain as it’s often referred, but I always assumed there were some major sacrifices to be made. The truth is, having a girlfriend doesn’t make me any less single than when I was dating, it just means there’s separate rules to follow (such as not cheating.) Let’s be honest about something here, there isn’t a “girlfriend” checkbox under “status,” that doesn’t mean I’m not in a important relationship with another person.

When in ride the train to work in the morning, and an attractive woman is near me, I look. Every man looks, regardless of our relationship status. There have been times I’ve randomly talked to attractive women on planes, trains, and at bars. I don’t think Rule Breaker expects me not to do these things, I think she expects the intent to be different. I’m not talking to attractive women to find out when their next availability for an underwear party. I’m talking to these women because we share a common interest, for instance if she’s my bar tender and I would like a beer. Also assume I’m not only talking to attractive women, there are unattractive women and many men who’ve I’ve struck conversations with on planes, trains and bars.

In the grand scheme of life, three months is a short amount of time. In many cases I’m navigating through different levels of comfort with my girlfriend. We’re consistently figuring out what is comfortable in our relationship. There’s still plenty we need to learn about each other. While I can relax, knowing that if I dress like a bum one day, she’s not going to run, we’re evaluating each other every day. Essentially, for the last three months I’ve been going thru the initial dating process with the same person.

The difference? Instead of placing a chuck of time and effort into dating websites, that energy is being put into maintaining a healthy relationship with one person.

Photo by: NomadicLass

SCG: I know this isn't a dating picture, per say, but it's a cool design from a clothing company!

Here’s a great question I’ve recently had to handle. When do you become exclusive with the person you’re dating? There isn’t a 20 date minimum to exclusivity, it’s more innate than that, it’s a feeling. That may be a “cop out” answer, but it’s the only logical answer.

There comes a point while dating that you know it’s time to give up on seeing anyone else. It’s when the thought of dating another person doesn’t feel right, where you don’t have any interests in another person. It’s also when that feeling isn’t forced upon you but develops naturally.

When you date someone you like, the beginning is always flooded with intense emotions and feelings. You’re going like everything about them instantly, want to see them often, and your thoughts are going to include an intense sense of longing. After that there’s usually a letdown, many people realize that maybe they don’t feel the same, or that feeling of longing is really lust.

There’s several ways to tell if you’re truly interested in the person your dating, however I think the clear-cut sign is when you don’t see yourself dating another person. The moment you’re not interested in going on anymore dates with strangers is time to throw in the towel. This isn’t because dating has become a hassle, but because you don’t feel the need to continue to date. It’s the “I rather see the person I’m dating, rather than try to date some stranger,” feeling.

I used to think it takes about a month to get to this point, but with some of the women I’ve dated, it’s taken about a month to know that I don’t like them. Don’t think of it as a timeline, or a certain amount of dates, some people know they are perfect for each other the minute they lay eyes on one another, other take a wee bit longer.

Whenever you decide to become exclusive with your date, make sure a few things have happened before that point:

1. Make sure you’re not interested in seeing anyone else. Hesitation isn’t a good thing.
2. Make sure you’re ready. If someone really likes you, they may wait for you, but not forever.
3. Make sure the two of you have the same goals in place. Some people would like a family immediately, others rather wait for some time.
4. Lastly, have no doubt. You cannot become exclusive with someone if you doubt them or yourself. Don’t.

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Simone Grant asked a very interesting question this week, “Could you enter into a long-term relationship with someone who didn’t satisfy you sexually? Could you marry that person?” I don’t have a clear cut yes or no answer. As I was beginning to explain my answer in the comments, I came across another blog post on the topic making me reevaluate the question. I feel this is more of an issue about settling and think of the question as “Are you settling if you remain in a relationship with unsatisfactory sex?” The answer is yes, but… only if both partners do not try to resolve the problem.

As I’ve previously mentioned, settling is if you’re dating someone you completely do not like. I believe this goes for sex, you are settling if the sex is bad. However, if there hasn’t been any attempts to rectify the situation, you’re not trying. If your partner in bed is horrible, making them better isn’t such a hard thing, unless they are not open to the possibilities. Making improvements in the bedroom isn’t a taboo topic. There’s plenty of material on how to improve someone’s sex performance, sex workshops, and plenty of material online to help liven the bedroom action.

What if your the one that needs improvement? Well, you should take the time to understand what your partner enjoys sexually. Keep an open mind to their preferences, kinks and pleasures, then experiment. If you are completely closed off to the idea of trying anything new, then you may need to find another person. I believe sex is a core component to a healthy relationship. If the sex is bad, the relationship is going to suffer.

Only after both individuals in a relationships have tried to resolve the problems in the bedroom can you consider it settling. Otherwise, you’re not trying hard enough.

Image Credit: Jessica Rabbit on Flickr

In the New Oxford American Dictionary, the term polyamory is defined as “the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.” To be in a polyamorous relationship means you have multiple lovers, but what about multiple loves? For almost two years I’ve been in a relationship with 3 other women, who are all across the country. All of them are single, two of them are in monogamous relationships, and all of them I consider loves. These women are very important to me, as we are emotionally invested into one another. They are more than friends, but short of benefits, and all very important to my life. They are so embedded into my inner circle, it feels as if we are in a polyamorous relationship.

The same way non-date dates are “kind-of” dates, these women are “kind-of” girlfriends. I am emotionally connected to them, but there isn’t any sex. My father had a similar relationship with a co-worker, over the years they had grown so close to each other their relationship turned into a deeper connection. It was deeper than friendship but well short of lovers; they both were happily married! I believe in the human ability to love more than one person, where we can have deep loving connections with many individuals. These aren’t people we pick up at the bar and have one night stands, these individuals are very important components in our lives. Without them we would feel lost, confused and dazed. This connection isn’t a physical or sexual, its more emotional and spiritual.

I know there are those who will correct me about the use of the word “Polyamorous”. The argument I’ve heard is my connection with these women isn’t a true polyamorous relationship, I’m not “in love” or currently having sex with these women. I don’t believe that is the requirement for a loving relationship in my book, nor is that the point I’m trying to make here. We have many relationships with other individuals, from acquaintances to frenemies to married. We must recognize the most meaningful relationships in our lives, embrace and experience them before we can begin any serious relationships with another, or before we consider dating another person. Ever try dating someone without any friends? It’s a sad sight. My relationship with these three women are very important to me and my life, the same way there’s an importance with the relationship I have with my mother and sister. My “wifies” as I like to call them, have unprecedented access to me. They are allowed to call me at 3 am in the morning (it’s never about sex), they can interrupt dates (if it is important) and know deeply about my personal life (including this blog). Any one I’m in a committed relationship with must understand their importance and be comfortable with them.

We all have many relationships like these, besties, families, ex-girlfriends turned dear friends. I believe, in order to best succeed in our dating lives we must embraces these relationships, enjoy them for what they are, and be honest with our partners about them (when the time is right.) Some may even recommend finding more relationships like these to help improve your levels of intimacy. These relationships cannot be forced, many in certain circumstances they could have been your wife, in other circumstances an ex-lover. Regardless of what you call them or how you define them, you must respect them.

(Image Credit: nullalux on Flickr)