There are days that life delivers very odd mixed messages. At times There’s are the moments life reminds me that I’m doing a great job! Success in dating, and meeting new and interesting women all seem to be paired with the reminder that I’m single and maintain the consistent struggles to get replies to sent messages on dating websites.

Today is no exception. This morning I was greeting with two very different, and distinct messages. The first was a great message! DateDaily.com featured my blog on their website today. I really liked the small little review that ended with, “It’s a wonder this guy doesn’t have a woman warming his bed at night.” That made me blush! I was shocked to be found “verbally charming,” although, I find my writing can be horrendous and requires improvement. Regardless, this was today’s good message!

Logging onto my OkCupid account, another potential good sign appeared! I had a message waiting for me! The last OkCupid message I received was from a guy who wanted to hook me up with his girlfriends because they loved “black men.” Today’s new message of fun was quite the opposite. It was from an Icebreaker match, a feature on OkCupid where they scour the website and find two profiles that seem to be like matches. OkCupid tells you they’ve found a potential match and you get to write a message to this match. There’s a catch, you never see their profile until they respond to your message. So far I haven’t had much luck with the feature, but it doesn’t mean I should not continue to use it.

This good message was really a bad message in disguise. The message I received was a one-liner that simply said, “NIGGER DO NOT CONTACT ME” I’m never shocked by racism, it’s a fact of life, such as the sky is blue and the sun is hot. Racism sucks, but it happens. I’m always shocked by when and how it appears in my life. It usually has the tendency to blindside me, catching me when I’m the least prepared. It’s like a boxer who gets hit by a left uppercut he never expects, it leaves him somewhat groggy during the match. After taking a look at this person’s profile, I would have never sent her a message if I had come across it normally. At the bottom of several paragraphs explaining the reasons she doesn’t date black men (but has black friends) was a message in red that stated “This person doesn’t match your criteria.” Obviously there’s a glitch in the IceBreaker feature. The fact this person decided to send me a message, that was sent to her without my knowledge is beyond by comprehension. Usually when I receive a message from someone I don’t find attractive, I don’t respond (maybe I should nicely?)

I didn’t know what to do, hours later I’m still somewhat numb. A part of me wants to laugh, another part wants me to yell. I’m still in a hazy fog of “damn, what just happened?” I’m the reason today has been somewhat of a blur. I know I tweeted my life’s irony this morning, and suddenly a flood of support poured my way. This was life providing another good sign, reminding me that I had people cheering for me on the sidelines. For that, I want to say thank you my fellow readers, tweeple, and especially @thread (who I write articles for), @thatgirlallison, @DeeZeeGirl, @Whatdusay, @ChelseyDC, @tinagirl207, @CatchUNextTues, @eFlirtExpert, @keens, @girltrueheart, @PowderRoomTalk, @DateDaily, @elle_dubya, @URWingman & @OkCupid.

Yes, I’m thanking OkCupid, who’s new beta feature put me in the precarious position to begin with. Software is software and they don’t have control of any cretins. They did ask me for the person’s name and hours later the profile disappeared from the website. They took the situation serious enough to investigate and resolve it! That did make me smile.

I just hope the next message on OkCupid is from someone who wants to go on a date with me (or that I’ve, legitimately, won a million dollars!)

Image Credit: Paul Henman on Flickr

Recently, I described being turned down for a date because of my ethnicity. I wasn’t the first time I was turned down due to the color of my skin, and it won’t be the last. I’m always surprised by racism in the dating scene, you would think singles would find better reasons to turn down potential matches rather than a person’s skin color. A part of this, I’m sure, is due to narrow dating preferences, but there is a difference between a preference and denying a person because of their race.

While I’m Hispanic/Black, I’ve dated more White women than Blacks and Hispanics combined even though my favorite dates are generally with Black and Hispanic women (I can’t explain that at all!) Ironically, my fantasy girl would be an Asian woman with a British accent, in part because I’ve not dated an Asian woman or any one from Britain. While both aspects are important for my fantasy girl (a girl who on a scale of 1 to 10 ranks as a 20) they aren’t important aspects in the people I seek to date. If my fantasy girl turned out to be Black instead of Asian, she would still rank as a 20. In my dating world, ethnicity isn’t important, I look at race the same way I do Ice Cream. I love Strawberry but sometimes I want Vanilla, sometimes Chocolate, and other times Butter Pican (bonus points for those who gets the Wu-Tang reference.)

I’ve also think some of this dating racism is institutionalized. CNN reported on a couple in Louisiana who was denied marriage by A justice of the peace because they were an interracial couple. This person does not marry interracial couples and claims not to be racist. It made me re-think about the role ethnicity plays in the dating world and the pressures. I’m know many interracial couples get weird looks when they are out in public. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, as if they have done something wrong. What’s wrong about dating the person you like?

If we singles are truly seeking our perfect match, why is the color of a persons skin such an important factor? It makes me wonder why there’s the option to choose ethnicities on dating websites (shouldn’t it matter as long as you have a great match with someone else?) What’s really not said about the role ethnicity plays. Everyone makes assumptions about a person based on their ethnicity. We all do it, even if just a little. No one ever admits to it, but it’s true. While dating, we’re all a bit bigoted (a person’s height, job, weight, etc.) but many times people overcome dislikes because of a person’s personality and character. So why is race any different?

All of this questioning leads me to ask how much racism is there in dating? Have you ever rejected anyone because of their ethnicity? Or strictly date a certain ethnic group? Or does it not matter at all?

Updated – 10/17/09 – 8:40pm

Shortly after writing this post, I found (randomly) a blog post about race and reply rates released by OkCupid. Here, there are numbers indicating how likely a person of a certain race would reply to another person and general thoughts of people and idea of dating someone outside of their ethnic group. These numbers are very interesting and help prove my point here. What I would have liked to see from OkCupid’s numbers is a breakdown of religion and race, which I think helps answer some of the questions about racism in dating. They also released a race and religion break down which is pretty interesting. I highly recommend reading their blog post here: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/10/05/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/

(Image Credit: Vincent J. Brown on Flickr)