We all have our moments where we question our dating successes and failures. They are usually just that, a series of events that lead to some success or failure. While my dating life, overall, is a mixture of successes and failures, during my the periods where women weren’t responding to me, I began to ask, “what’s wrong with me?” By asking this question, I was ignoring the successes I’ve had, the lessons learned to build upon. Maybe the real answer to the question has nothing to do with me, but with women.

We all pass up opportunities, especially when it comes to dating. I’m not going to suggest that every woman I’ve dated has missed out on their best opportunity by by not seeking a relationship with me. That would be egotistical. I would be ignoring the flaws I have and would suggest that I’m the best choice for every woman in the world. It’s not the truth. There is a possibility that I’m not the best fit for the women I’ve dated in the past.

However, I do believe that women are often seeking cookie cutter men, instead of men right for them. There is a difference.

For many women in my past, I wasn’t the right guy. That’s not to say I’m not a good guy. Megan Fox is a very attractive woman, and if she asked me on a date I wouldn’t hesitate (Megan, call me if you’re reading this!) While on said fictional date we may realize that we aren’t compatible at all for one another. In actuality, we may be bitter enemies because we prefer different sports teams (or something). Men have a tendency to overlook the flaws in beautiful woman, and instead of only seeking attractive women, maybe we should have been seeking compatible women who are attractive.

Although I’ve previously stated my online dating mistakes, I often find myself making the ultimate mistake. Just because she’s cute, I believe I should send her a message. That doesn’t mean she’s right for me. Her looks aren’t an indication that we mesh, it’s just an indication that she would look great naked. Big boobs says nothing about a woman’s personality, they are just eye candy. Don’t get me wrong, I love big breasts, but I’ve yet to met an abundance of great women with large chests. Boobs are great but so are brains.

Being attracted to someone requires more than just looks. It requires being able to have a connection with them not rooted in sex. This means being attracted to their personality, not just their booty. When seeking women, I should have been asking, “Am I truly interested in this woman?”

While I would love to point the finger and solely blame the women who haven’t returning my messages, or sought additional dates, I could have also chosen women who aren’t right for me. That’s not to say that women aren’t picky, stubborn and crazy, but there are many different types of women out there. The ones that have passed me up only miss out.

Photo by Lisa Omarali

A friend once told me, you’ll know to start something exclusive with a woman when you don’t care to see any other women. While dating, I went on two dates with other women; but in my mind these were clearly of the non-date date variety. These two women I had met thru friends and social circles, were attractive, but I didn’t have want or inclination to move beyond potential new friends.

My trip to Cleveland made the situation clear. While I was out bar hopping, I met a tall bartender with the largest breasts I’ve seen in person (I’m a boob guy!) She was attractive, had a great figure and in most cases I would be all over her! I wasn’t feeling it, I didn’t want anyone else to come with me to my hotel room unless they were Rule Breaker. She had me sprung.

When I got back to NYC I had to see her again! I lugged broken luggage up a few flights of stairs only to kiss her and soon after ask her to be mine! Definitely one of the happiest moments in my life!

So in just under six months, I went from dating and frustrated to happy and someone’s boyfriend. How I got there has been a frustrating and interesting ride.

“To be frank with you, I’m ridiculously surprised that your response rate has been so low.  Your cute, your profile is good…,” was the first few lines of Laurie’s response concerning my lack of success with OkCupid. Even with the increased message count, I wasn’t receiving many responses. I feel I’ve become the ultimate dating enigma.

I like OkCupid, but maybe the population on the website isn’t geared for me. Laurie suggested that I switch over to Plenty of Fish, or as I like to call it Plenty of Fail! I’m not a fan of their dating website, it’s horribly put together, ugly, and not ad deep as OkCupid. However my lack of major success on the website leaves me little alternatives.

As I try to rationalize moving from one website to another, I do my best to stall by going out, trying some of the tips Thomas shows me. Nothing is really working, it’s clear I need more help. Every so often there’s a glimmer of hope, maybe a girl who would open up to me, give me her number after a late night discussion at a bar. Maybe the girl who was biting my neck while my hand grabbed her butt underneath her pants would want spend the rest of the evening with me. She doesn’t. These glimmer of hopes aren’t glimmers, they’re me spiraling out of control in frustration while consuming way too much alcohol. I’m trying to make up with failures with additional failure.

I sit back and examine Laurie’s comment. It only leads to more questions, why haven’t I been getting the type of response from women if I’m cute, have a good profile, and using the same techniques that work for everyone else? What’s wrong with me?

Outside of my mistakes, it’s these questions I feel are turning me into a dating enigma.

Image Source: Gabriela Camerotti on Flickr

When I was younger, there was always a tree, dressed with decorations and lighted brightly with multi colored lights, downstairs in the living room. Even if the tree wasn’t grand, there was a tree. In the morning there would always be presents (I always got a Hess truck!) and mom would make pancakes for everyone. We would open the presents together, share morning television with one another, and later have a family dinner with extended family members. I would always dress up and and be given the opportunity to drink wine.

Christmas was such a buzz, even after I moved out in my early twenites. When I visit for Christmas, there would be something, a tree, presents, dinner.

Not every Christmas was grand, there were times presents were pens and pencils. I kid you not. Times were tough sometimes. My father would give us pens and pencils for Christmas. Mom would catch-up with birthday cards she may have forgotten to hand during the year, along with a present. I didn’t care, there were gifts, a Hess truck, family, food. It was fun!

As I grew up I wrote notes attached to my gifts. I told my closest friends and family how much they meant to me. It was written on a card, attached in an envelope to a present wrapped in a bow and Christmas wrapping. These people were my gifts.

Christmas died on May, 2005. I was in the room and watched it die. I was holding its hand. My father passed away at the same moment.

The last Christmas I spent with my father, I was readjusting to moving back into the house I grew up in. My job had cut my salary and I was facing a layoff. My father had also gotten even sicker from the cancer that was eating at him and I was needed at home. I don’t remember if there was a tree that year, but there was lights. There were always lights. There was also decoration, mom loved to decorate. Even with the impending end of my father’s life, Christmas was festive. Family was coming over. It was Christmas!

I don’t remember dad’s present, I think it was replacing a Talking Head CD, or I gave him a CD. It was something musical. I do remember there was a card, where I told him how much I loved him, how much he molded me into the man I am today. That was my last Christmas.

Four Christmas’ have passed and there hasn’t been a tree. No lights or decorations. Maybe there was pancakes for a year. Presents were handed, never wrapped. I’ve been distant. The one thing there has been is dinner with extended family. Sometimes.

Not this year. This year has been rough. I bought one present, for my brother. After bills, major pay cuts, and budget freezes, that was all I could afford. Christmas shouldn’t end for him. There isn’t a note attached to it, and it’s wrapped in the same GameStop bag from the store. It’s a gift, exactly what he wants. He need some sort of Christmas!

When I was younger, mom would take me to Macy’s to visit Santa. We would wait in line, until I could sit in Santa’s lap, happy and eager. He would ask me what I would want and I would say some toy, or game, or another Hess truck. I loved getting those every year! I haven’t seen Santa in such a long time, if I were to sit on his lap, I would turn into a 6 year old and say, “I want my daddy back!” It’s Santa, he can do anything right? I know Santa would turn to me and say, “I’m sorry, I can’t bring your daddy back,” and then something wise and sage that only Santa would say. It still doesn’t change what I want, doesn’t change my wish. There will be no Tree, no Dad, no Hess truck or toy.

Christmas died, remember?

I hate to say, there’s no end to this story. Sorry to leave you on such a sad moment. This has been the hardest post to write, ever. I hope there will be a happy ending next year. One with a huge tree, presents, and laughter! There is a point to this sad story, and thats to cherish and share what you have.

The real meaning of Christmas is to share it with loved ones. The ones you care about, the ones you trust, the people in your life who make you smile. Take a moment from your busy and crazy schedule, your hectic life, and tell them how much they are your gifts from Santa. Let them know how much they brighten your life. Don’t take opportunities like this for granted, you may not get a chance next Christmas.

Christmas is an opportunity to give the gift of a memory. One that will last longer than any gift, or toy. It’s an opportunity to share a tender, caring moment with those who truly make you smile. Whether your single, dating, engaged, married, or even alone, take a moment, just a moment, and reach out to someone you care about and give them a memory you will cherish. Something that not even Santa can give, no matter how many times you ask.

So take a moment, tell someone, anyone, you care about how much you’re a special gift from Santa. How they brighten your life. Share that joy with them! It’s better than any ring, gift card, or present.

Most importantly, Merry Christmas! Have a festive, safe holiday!

If, by the process of elimination, I’m correcting the reasons I’m single (clothing, profile, ways to approach women) and I’m still maintaining similar results, then the problem must be me. I think I’m approaching the wrong type of woman, more importantly, I think I’m taking the wrong approach. It’s an approach that dooms us men! Many men fail because we seek the unattainable. We tend to spend more time approaching super hot women than average ones regardless of our own looks (not to say I’m not cute!). Can you blame us? The problem here is that we aren’t honest with ourselves, and not honest with the type of woman we can attract. We all think we can attract the super model woman without changing anything about us. If woman’s flaw is being too picky, men’s flaws are being delusional.

Not every guy can get every girl (man does that hurt the male ego when you hear it.) It’s my biggest problem, one I’m going to have to work on to get more quality women.

In the New Oxford American Dictionary, the term polyamory is defined as “the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.” To be in a polyamorous relationship means you have multiple lovers, but what about multiple loves? For almost two years I’ve been in a relationship with 3 other women, who are all across the country. All of them are single, two of them are in monogamous relationships, and all of them I consider loves. These women are very important to me, as we are emotionally invested into one another. They are more than friends, but short of benefits, and all very important to my life. They are so embedded into my inner circle, it feels as if we are in a polyamorous relationship.

The same way non-date dates are “kind-of” dates, these women are “kind-of” girlfriends. I am emotionally connected to them, but there isn’t any sex. My father had a similar relationship with a co-worker, over the years they had grown so close to each other their relationship turned into a deeper connection. It was deeper than friendship but well short of lovers; they both were happily married! I believe in the human ability to love more than one person, where we can have deep loving connections with many individuals. These aren’t people we pick up at the bar and have one night stands, these individuals are very important components in our lives. Without them we would feel lost, confused and dazed. This connection isn’t a physical or sexual, its more emotional and spiritual.

I know there are those who will correct me about the use of the word “Polyamorous”. The argument I’ve heard is my connection with these women isn’t a true polyamorous relationship, I’m not “in love” or currently having sex with these women. I don’t believe that is the requirement for a loving relationship in my book, nor is that the point I’m trying to make here. We have many relationships with other individuals, from acquaintances to frenemies to married. We must recognize the most meaningful relationships in our lives, embrace and experience them before we can begin any serious relationships with another, or before we consider dating another person. Ever try dating someone without any friends? It’s a sad sight. My relationship with these three women are very important to me and my life, the same way there’s an importance with the relationship I have with my mother and sister. My “wifies” as I like to call them, have unprecedented access to me. They are allowed to call me at 3 am in the morning (it’s never about sex), they can interrupt dates (if it is important) and know deeply about my personal life (including this blog). Any one I’m in a committed relationship with must understand their importance and be comfortable with them.

We all have many relationships like these, besties, families, ex-girlfriends turned dear friends. I believe, in order to best succeed in our dating lives we must embraces these relationships, enjoy them for what they are, and be honest with our partners about them (when the time is right.) Some may even recommend finding more relationships like these to help improve your levels of intimacy. These relationships cannot be forced, many in certain circumstances they could have been your wife, in other circumstances an ex-lover. Regardless of what you call them or how you define them, you must respect them.

(Image Credit: nullalux on Flickr)

So a month ago I acted on this idea, detailing my single life, my thoughts about being single, and now I wish I’ve done this sooner. Not only has my life as a single improved, the sharp pain that is singledom feels a bit dull. Who would have thought that I would have learned so much, met so many awesome people and feel better about being single in only the first month? I didn’t.

So a month has passed of what is going to be many, many months and I hope you’ve been enjoyed reading so far! I really appreciate your comments, suggestions and helpful insight. There’s plenty more to come!

A few of the reasons I falter is I get so wrapped into the conversation, I forget or take the opportunity to formally introduce myself; I become just another guy. Here’s perfect example, 5 posts in and I’ve yet to tell my readers (who seem to be predominantly female) anything about myself. I’ve dropped some hints but nothing direct. So it’s time to introduce myself.

Let’s start with the information that you know, I’m 28 (yes a youngin’), a NYC native (born and bred in Brooklyn), and have been single for most (i.e. all) of my young life. I’ve dated women of all shapes, sizes, and age ranges (up to 40), and have made plenty of mistakes.

There are some traits that should help me while dating, but don’t seem to. I’m tall (6’2”), attractive (I’m quoting my female friends here), intelligent, witty and a nice guy. I was raised to be chivalrous, opening doors, paying for first dates, being respectful; things women seek but reject. I suffer from “Nice Guy Syndrome” and frequently park myself into the friend zone. Another advantage/disadvantage is my ethnicity, I am Hispanic/Black. On the surface many women state that a person’s race or ethnicity is not an issue. In the melting pot that is New York City, you would think this wouldn’t matter much, but it does. I’ve learned women are extremely picky about the ethnicity of their partner.

In NYC’s scene there’s two important dating questions women ask all of the time. I dub these the “Superficial Twins”: Where do you live? What do you do? I’ve been turned down based on my answers to these questions. I have always lived in Brooklyn, even before it was popular, and I work in the computer field and perform freelance work on the side. My answers don’t seem to gather as much interest as “Upper West Side” and “Banker.” The Superficial Twins are masked as questions to get to know you better, but really ask “How much money do you make?”

This should give paint a general picture of who I am as I continue writing about my dating experiences. Feel free to post them below, tweet me, or contact me.