We men have the need to feel as if we’re in control of any situation. It’s what we’re taught when we’re young, it’s how we’re raised, it’s what society tells us. We are reminded, often, we are to take the lead. When a situation arises, it feels as if it’s a guys duty to ensure all is under control. We’re taught to take the lead, and it’s something we believe women expect. In many cases they expect the same as well. Women expect us to ask them out on a date, they expect us to pay for the first date, they expect us to make the move. The pressure, assertiveness and control is very much in our court.

The post-feminist modern women has a very different outlook on this scenario. They want to be in control (having been controlled for so long), they want a piece of this power that men have had for centuries. They want their say. This causes plenty of conflicts for many reasons, first control isn’t always about decision making and second, women want us to be in control, they want a man.

The first part is easy. The phrase “to be in control” sounds much like slavery. It brings forth the image of one person barking out orders, and a group of peons following. While there’s some decision making in this process, control, in actuality, is the person who’s in charge when a situation arises. When I go on a first date, both my date and I have different levels of control. I’m in charge of the type of date and paying for the date, she’s in charge of the location, but we’re lead on to believe it’s up to us. First dates are usually in the area that a woman lives near, and a guy usually asks a woman out for a date, indicating what type of date there was. While we both have control, I feel as if I’m in control because I make the decision about the venue and payments. While she may have chosen the location (Upper West Side, Soho, Williamsburg), I either choose a location that may have fit the mood (Bar, Lounge, Movie) or offered her to choose a place. When it comes to the bill, I get to decide if I’ll pay for it (usually indicating that I want to see her again) or ask her to pay for half (indicating that this may not work out, or that I’m broke). While there’s shared control, I feel as if I’m the decision maker.

The second part is a bit trickier, especially with the case of effeminate men. Women want a man, an actual man. The rough and tough, in charge image that has been fed to women for eons. Even today’s modern woman prefers an actual man to the equivalent. While many woman may want a softer, more sensitive man, they still want a guy. Someone who makes decisions and takes charge in a situation. The modern woman is becoming increasingly independent, and able to make her own decisions, and act on her own without any additional help. I believe women are entitled to the same liberties and freedoms of men. When it comes to dating, there’s a shift, men want to feel as if they have “power” over the situation, as in, we call the shots. It becomes very emasculating when our date is holding the power. We begin to question our place and even the purpose of the date.

Guys feel insecure when we do not feel that we are in control of a situation, that includes a date. It’s different when we give our control to our date. Guys need to feel empowered to make decisions about our dates and relationships. We become very frustrated and angry when that is taken away from us.

Photo by Dieter Drescher