Many people become frustrated when they can’t find their perfect match. The question I faced when I became frustrated was, what are you really seeking? One way to answer this question is, if you were blind what would you look for?

Some time ago, I was out with my friend, Laurie Davis (eFlirtExpert) for drinks and catching up. We discussed my dating travels and how I arrived at the point where I now have a girlfriend. We began to discuss my spell of frustration, where I choose to send messages to women and received little or no responses. The problem was, I choose women for the wrong qualities. I sought their looks and did not address the contents of their profile. She then asked the same question she asked me during my searches, “Why did you choose those women?” Honestly, I saw boobs, butts, and a cute face most of the time. In my searches, I forgot to choose personality.

It was during this period I asked myself, what was I really seeking? Sure many women look hot, but what’s behind that look? Are you smart? Will they take the time to get to know me? Or did they just want sex? The more I reconsidered the woman who I sent messages and the reasons I sent them, the more I choose different women and received responses to the messages I sent out. I’m not saying hot chicks aren’t smart, but don’t expect to get a response immediately. There’s a million men sending them messages as well.

Interestingly, I had to rely on each persons profile, not just their looks. I had to pay attention to what they said, who they were. I thought for a moment, “if the person I choose was the one, at 80 would her big boobs really matter?” The answer is no. Essentially in had to pretend I was blind, and had to justify sending extremely hot woman messages. The reasons? If they didn’t respond to me, they were just wastes of time.

I know I’ve written about being blind and seeking love in the past. I almost think that approach to dating and finding love is perfect. It’s less about what you see, and more about what you feel, who they are. In today’s online dating world, it’s hard to do that, although some sites are heading into that direction. Quality doesn’t begin with how great her legs are, they begin with how great she is. Awesome legs are the icing on the cake.

Photo By: stars alive

Not every person is the right person for you. We all have different types of people that we would like to date. For example, I love mentally strong women who are willing to share their opinions. I rather the person I date speak their mind than engage in passive aggressive behavior to make their point. This doesn’t mean I want to be with some sort of dominatrix, or a military hard ass. My woman has to have some sass to her, and not easily offended by my off color jokes.

Even before returning to the dating scene, it took me several years to determine the qualities I sought in a woman. It’s a process that I underwent thru many trail and error. Dating isn’t a sure fire process, a part of dating is understanding what you can and are willing to deal with in another person. At one point in my life, I thought wanted very submissive women. When one fell into my lap, I didn’t know what to do. I got what I wished for, but we weren’t very compatible.

Trail and error is the best way to determine if what you’re seeking is actually best for you. If things do not flourish, take it as a sign that you may be seeking the wrong qualities. A honest assessment will reveal much of the qualities that work, and the qualities that aren’t preferred. Try asking, “What were the things I enjoyed about this person?” and “what were the things I did not like about them?” If you rattle a list of physical and superficial items (such as having a certain job or dress), you’re really not looking deep enough.

As you explore these qualities and what you can, and cannot handle, don’t make the same mistakes. Chasing the same person repeatedly doesn’t help you find the right person. You’re not exposing yourself to the other potentials that exist.

Photo By: Jack Amick

I’ve pointed the limited and narrow dating requirements women tend to seek in potential dates. Men tend to be more liberal, when it comes to physical characteristics, we are picky in other ways. I’ve always thought I needed a woman who loved sports as much as I do, when in actuality I needed a woman who understood my love for sports. It was the quality of the person that had given me the success I have, instead of a check list of requirements. I’m not suggesting all requirements be discarded, I’m merely saying they aren’t the primary focus.

An illustration would be a person who loves metal music. If you love Hip-Hop, it’s not a reason for you to remove them from your dating pool. Metal and Hip-Hop have produced some great artists (i.e. Linkin Park, Korn) and the two genres perform cross overs often (listen to Lil’ Wayne’s recent album or the Linkin Park/Jay-Z Mashup Album). A person who loves metal is different from them not liking music at all. A roommate of mine dated someone who hated music, he was a musician. Things didn’t work out.

When you’re searching for someone new, consider the things you would really like to do with that person. Walks on the beach? Trips the museum? Cuddling on a cold, rainy day? Watching TV together? Those things transcend beyond the ever growing checklist of requirements; the need for someone to be over 5’7” because it would be awkward; or the need for curves on a woman. Our checklists may determine how we rank people, who’s on our A, B, and C lists, but it’s not the focus of dating. eFlirtExpert Laurie Davis describes very well what happens with our dating lists as we begin to date someone (for men, read my explanation).

If you’re sticking to your guidelines, patterns emerge and when you alter the guidelines, your dating patterns may change. It may seem as a success at first, but it doesn’t guarantee the quality of your dates increase. If you started dating musicians instead of artists, that doesn’t mean you’ll stop finding assholes, it just means the assholes now play music instead of paints. While dating, I had to stop myself from meeting people at a particular bar, I wasn’t finding any quality. It didn’t mean when I went to other bars I was finding better women, honestly, I found just the same.

When I began to determine what I was seeking in a woman (humor, the ability to go to a sports game, someone who understood me, a person who enjoyed music), I began to quality dates. With my end result, I don’t feel I’ve settled at all.

Photo by: Ezwa

So how does this apply to dating? I have several friends who were great friends, and I cared about, but now tend to avoid. Most of them are female. While I think they are great and wonderful people, I often feel used by them and when hanging out, believe there’s an ulterior motive. My issue is the way they approach our friendships, some treat it as if we’re dating, others treat it like a business transaction. In both cases, there’s a tremendous amount of pressure to perform, but there aren’t any benefits. Often I feel used, guilted, and pressured to jump at a moments notice for their wishes, wants and needs. All of them are single, many unhappily. I believe their approach to friendships and other relationships have kept them single. For the women in this group, if it weren’t for their actions, I would make attempts to date them.

To be a better dater, you must be a better friend. I’m not completely innocent here; in the past I’ve often disappeared from the face of the Earth without communicating to my friends. I was being a bad friend, and at times disrespected the relationships by not explaining myself. I believe this has kept me single and fueled the lonely single feeling I’ve had in the past. Many of the lessons I’ve learned from these mistakes has made me become a better dater today.

I find those who have great friendships have very little problems finding dates. They truly respect their dates and the entire process, also allowing it to be more natural instead of forced by a set of rules and standards. If someone engages in unhealthy behavior, such as making friendships only to seek personal gain, they are going to mirror these actions in every relationship; everything becomes a means to an end. Every person you date becomes a “thing” instead of a a potentially wonderful relationship.

This applies to those who have friends with benefits. You must respect your friend. While your relationship revolves around sex, it doesn’t give you permission to treat them as a toy to sling around. There’s always a give and take, one that demonstrates your respect for the beneficiary.

I highly believe the more you respect the many relationships in your life, the more you’ll see an improvement in your dating life. It can be a small gesture such as making sure you’re timely or lending an ear when in need, or something grandiose.

Image Credit: Trina Alexander on Flickr