Recently, I described being turned down for a date because of my ethnicity. I wasn’t the first time I was turned down due to the color of my skin, and it won’t be the last. I’m always surprised by racism in the dating scene, you would think singles would find better reasons to turn down potential matches rather than a person’s skin color. A part of this, I’m sure, is due to narrow dating preferences, but there is a difference between a preference and denying a person because of their race.

While I’m Hispanic/Black, I’ve dated more White women than Blacks and Hispanics combined even though my favorite dates are generally with Black and Hispanic women (I can’t explain that at all!) Ironically, my fantasy girl would be an Asian woman with a British accent, in part because I’ve not dated an Asian woman or any one from Britain. While both aspects are important for my fantasy girl (a girl who on a scale of 1 to 10 ranks as a 20) they aren’t important aspects in the people I seek to date. If my fantasy girl turned out to be Black instead of Asian, she would still rank as a 20. In my dating world, ethnicity isn’t important, I look at race the same way I do Ice Cream. I love Strawberry but sometimes I want Vanilla, sometimes Chocolate, and other times Butter Pican (bonus points for those who gets the Wu-Tang reference.)

I’ve also think some of this dating racism is institutionalized. CNN reported on a couple in Louisiana who was denied marriage by A justice of the peace because they were an interracial couple. This person does not marry interracial couples and claims not to be racist. It made me re-think about the role ethnicity plays in the dating world and the pressures. I’m know many interracial couples get weird looks when they are out in public. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, as if they have done something wrong. What’s wrong about dating the person you like?

If we singles are truly seeking our perfect match, why is the color of a persons skin such an important factor? It makes me wonder why there’s the option to choose ethnicities on dating websites (shouldn’t it matter as long as you have a great match with someone else?) What’s really not said about the role ethnicity plays. Everyone makes assumptions about a person based on their ethnicity. We all do it, even if just a little. No one ever admits to it, but it’s true. While dating, we’re all a bit bigoted (a person’s height, job, weight, etc.) but many times people overcome dislikes because of a person’s personality and character. So why is race any different?

All of this questioning leads me to ask how much racism is there in dating? Have you ever rejected anyone because of their ethnicity? Or strictly date a certain ethnic group? Or does it not matter at all?

Updated – 10/17/09 – 8:40pm

Shortly after writing this post, I found (randomly) a blog post about race and reply rates released by OkCupid. Here, there are numbers indicating how likely a person of a certain race would reply to another person and general thoughts of people and idea of dating someone outside of their ethnic group. These numbers are very interesting and help prove my point here. What I would have liked to see from OkCupid’s numbers is a breakdown of religion and race, which I think helps answer some of the questions about racism in dating. They also released a race and religion break down which is pretty interesting. I highly recommend reading their blog post here: http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/10/05/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/

(Image Credit: Vincent J. Brown on Flickr)

An aspect of dating in NYC is how unbelievably picky women can be. I’ve already discussed my frustration’s with women’s unrealistic preferences of men and this story exemplifies that frustration. This occurred while I was using Craigslist to find a date, I came across a post by a beautiful Jewish woman, in her late 20’s (I was 23 at the time.) I liked her wit and we seemed to have the same interests. Moments later an e-mail was sent to the anonymous craigslist e-mail address only to be surprised by a quick, non-porn-bot response. It seemed as if I had lucked out!

With several additional quickly exchanged e-mails we talked and seemed to be very compatible with each other. Messages were going back and forth so quickly it seemed hard to catch up, but it was clear we were compatible with each other. In one quickly sent e-mail I forgot to attach my picture; I was enthralled and excited the process didn’t happen. I quickly corrected the situation not expecting the tone of the next e-mail.

It began with the words “I’m sorry,” and I immediately thought she did not think I was attractive. I now wish that was the case. I was rejected by the color of my skin. After telling me she was sorry, she her reasoning: her parents would not approve. She further justified the act by claiming she wasn’t racist, has plenty of “black friends” and doesn’t believe her parents are right. The softening blow was well wishes and hope I find someone worth while. At this point I only hoped this woman, who wanted to meet me later in the evening but rejected me by the color of my skin, would feel karma’s kick in the ass hard enough it would leave a permanent mark.

Ignoring the fact she only evaluated me by the color of my skin (Black) not by my ethnicity (Hispanic, which I identify with), I wished her and her parents the best of luck in finding a great white boyfriend. I really wanted to curse her out and remind her of her hypocrisy. I also wanted to reminder her that she’s dating me, not her mother and father. It’s a moot point. What mattered was I rejected by a stupid, silly and unrealistic preference of her and her parents. The stinging realization here is while the contents of my character (which I have plenty control over) was good enough to gain her interests, her preferences (which I have no control over) is what preventing her from proceeding. It’s bullshit.

I wish I can say this is an isolated story, it isn’t. I’ve ben rejected so many times for being Hispanic and/or Black it’s become routine, if not expected. While I understand having a preference of a person’s ethnicity (I have mine), it’s unrealistic to make them mandates. Many times I’ve been happier dating someone outside of my ethnic preferences than within. Some women have told me dating a person outside of their preferred ethnicity is “settling” when the opposite is true. If you really get along with a person but reject them for someone you kind-of get along with but is in your preferred ethnicity, that’s settling!

You would think in NYC, this wouldn’t be an issue.

(Image Credit: yaaaay on Flickr)