A week ago I was on the train heading to work, and I saw something very interesting, an older white man in a suit with his woman cuddling on the train. This may seem like something that isn’t post worthy, many couples cuddle with one another on the train. You may even begin to develop a mental image of some guy in his 50‘s with a woman holding hands and cuddling. Normal PDA stuff, which I agree isn’t anything to dedicate a blog post to.

What they were doing wasn’t very interesting, who they were was. While the man seemed like he was heading to some sort of corporate meting, the woman was completely different from what I would have assumed he would be with; she was a slightly younger Asian woman in casual clothes which revealed her many tattoos. The image in my mind was that he was a business man and she was an artist. My first thought when I saw them; “Awesome!”

The differences in a relationship are what makes them wonderful. We often forget that in today’s world of online menu dating. We often find qualities that we like and are exactly like us, and find people who may not be the best. Just because they are similar doesn’t mean they are perfect for you. I believe if you’re not trying to date someone who is unlike you, you’re not trying too hard.

I often find the best relationships are those who complement each other. Don’t confuse this with being similar, compliment means “a thing that completes or brings to perfection.” In basketball, a great point guard complements a great power forward; in baseball a great catcher complements a great pitcher. They both play different positions, and perform different duties on the field, but they work well together. Often a team with nothing but guards (read the Knicks during most of this last decade), often trip over each other, and aren’t very successful.

Penn and Teller have been a comedic act for about 35 years. Earlier this week they were on Lopez Tonight and discussed their success for maintaining a successful act. “We’re not friends,” Penn said, “we work together a lot, but at the end of the day he goes his way, I go my way.” As an entertainment act, the two compliment each other very well, and currently the top magic act in Vegas. However their differences seems to be the foundation of their success. It doesn’t mean they don’t like or respect each other (they’ve worked for 35 years, one would assume they do,) it just means they are two different people.

Differences aren’t bad things, if anything they are the glue for great relationships. Relationships that include enough differences provide space that is often needed, this means you don’t have to sacrifice yourself for your partners wishes. At the end of the day, as long as your partner is able to understand, accept and work with your differences, things should work well.

Photo by: Cyril Plapied

Some people are extremely dateable and others not so much. In between the two there’s plenty of grey to wade thru. I believe everyone has at least one person who’s right for them, regardless of their situation, condition, or sexuality. For those on one end of the spectrum, you may not have to do much to find a date, how ever on the other side, there’s plenty of work that must be done.

Everyone wants to date a sexy, hot, fit model. Unless you have the money, charm, wit, smarts and success, along with being just as hot, fit and sexy, your chances are slim. There are exceptions to the rules, and money, wit and charm doesn’t get you everything. Lets be honest, it gives you a great running start.

Today’s world leads us to believe that we’ll find the perfect person to love and care for us, just the way we are. For a long time I was naive to think I didn’t have to change anything to attract women. I was wrong, I had to work on a few things and change my approach, while keeping who I am intact. This meant changing my wardrobe, working out, and keeping a positive outlook to dating. If you want a particular job, you put in the hard work, get the certifications, and reach the milestones for that position. The same goes for dating, if you want to date a 10, you must be at least an 8. If you want to date a 12, you can’t be a 1.

This isn’t to discourage those who identify themselves as one of the many outliers society often discriminates upon; I’m just saying you have to work harder. Every person you meet has their dream person, their preferences, and their dislikes in whom they are seeking. Had I dressed differently, wore different outfits, or approached situations in a different manner, I would have had more successes than failures. For years I lied to myself that if I showed up, some woman would choose me as a diamond in the rough. Instead, I should have done more than just showed up, and made real honest attempts to play the game.

In reality, the money, charm, and wits doesn’t help you get the girl, it helps you get in. Being attractive doesn’t help as much, unless you know what to do with it. Work hard on the flaws that you have, wether physical, emotional, or personal, to improve the quality of your dating lifestyle.

Photo by: Raindog

Not every person is the right person for you. We all have different types of people that we would like to date. For example, I love mentally strong women who are willing to share their opinions. I rather the person I date speak their mind than engage in passive aggressive behavior to make their point. This doesn’t mean I want to be with some sort of dominatrix, or a military hard ass. My woman has to have some sass to her, and not easily offended by my off color jokes.

Even before returning to the dating scene, it took me several years to determine the qualities I sought in a woman. It’s a process that I underwent thru many trail and error. Dating isn’t a sure fire process, a part of dating is understanding what you can and are willing to deal with in another person. At one point in my life, I thought wanted very submissive women. When one fell into my lap, I didn’t know what to do. I got what I wished for, but we weren’t very compatible.

Trail and error is the best way to determine if what you’re seeking is actually best for you. If things do not flourish, take it as a sign that you may be seeking the wrong qualities. A honest assessment will reveal much of the qualities that work, and the qualities that aren’t preferred. Try asking, “What were the things I enjoyed about this person?” and “what were the things I did not like about them?” If you rattle a list of physical and superficial items (such as having a certain job or dress), you’re really not looking deep enough.

As you explore these qualities and what you can, and cannot handle, don’t make the same mistakes. Chasing the same person repeatedly doesn’t help you find the right person. You’re not exposing yourself to the other potentials that exist.

Photo By: Jack Amick

Today’s world is centered on instant gratification. It’s beyond accomplishing tasks faster, better and efficiently, but wanting something right freaking now. Often I want to accomplish a blog post, a task, or hanging out with my girlfriend for the instant gratification it will provide. Often I miss out on the things I need to do, letting them pile up until I’m stressed and they spill over. “Faster, better, right now” often doesn’t provide the desired results.

Dating and creating a relationship takes time, patience, and honest commitment. While I’ve learned all of these lessons from dating and dealing with the hiccups of my relationship, the lesson has been best learned thru this blog.

For the past two weeks I’ve been working on the new design for SCG, and while it’s done, not quite complete. I want it to be accomplished now, but it’s not ready, and that will ultimately affect you, the reader. The time I’ve taken working on the new design and implementing the features I would like have taken away the time I take to write a post. There are posts, littered with grammatical and spelling mistakes due to me rushing the proofreading process. I wanted it now, instant.

Coffee, light, television, movies can all be instant, but not life, not dating, and not relationships. While single, I would often think to myself, “I would like to have a girlfriend, right now!” Then what? We would have sex, and then engage in relationship activities? What if the woman wasn’t my match? What if she hated everything I did? What if I made a mistake? Instead, I had to go thru a dating process, have my successes and failures, learn my lessons before finding an appropriate person to build a relationship.

Dating, relationships, and life require patience, commitment and dedication, all which require a significant amount of time.

Photo By: Christian Cable

Life fluctuates, there are good days, bad days, and in-between days. Some days a the feeling of invincibility comes over us, when it seems everything is going your ways. Other times the world decides it’s time to whoop our ass, as if we were a crook who ran away from the NYPD. This fluctuation is the natural progression of life, it’s balanced by the high’s a lows; the same reasons it’s cold in the winter and warm in the summer. It’s nature’s way of putting everything in balance.

When it comes to dating and relationship advice, this natural fluctuation is often ignored. Most of the dating advice for men are ways to meet women immediately and women are often given advice on how to immediately change their looks to immediately attract men. These tips make it seem as if we can walk out of the door at any given moment and have droves of potential dates at our feet without much of a hassle. This simply isn’t the case, dating is hot and cold.

We’re all human, we’re moody, upset, angry, ecstatic, happy, overjoyed all at different moments in our lives. I’m often reminded how the mood of an interested date has made them unavailable. There are periods of my life where I wouldn’t date because of my own personal and emotional struggles. I may be a good guy, but not so great when I’m upset or stressed. Even in relationships, I have my good and bad days; instead of fighting them I’ve found the benefit of recognizing it and working thru the emotions. Often when I’ve not worked thru my emotional struggles, I’ve often made a situation worse and would spend the evening at a bar, quietly drinking alcohol.

While mood is important, so is the mood of the other person. Maybe your potential date is stressed with work, handling major family issues, or unable to consider romantic encounters because of their emotional state. This is natural, we all go through tough times. If you are really interested in a person, you’ll consider an appropriate time to ask them for a date. This doesn’t mean you should wait for that person to become available, continue to enjoy your dating life by seeking other people and learn the most you can about your dating choices.

The ebbs and flows of dating is like mother nature, everyone has their warm season and their cold season. While, the Year Years, Spring, and the Fall seem like the best times to meet new people, my warm and cold season are different. The spring was the worst time to meet someone new, as I seemed to fair better in the summer and the fall. If you’ve fallen into a dry spell, consider your personal warm and cold seasons. This can help you determine when it’s a best time to try dating experiments (such as speed dating or new dating websites) or when to hold onto your preferred dating methods.

If you’ve ever watched Hitch (or the trailer), he says, “Women equate dancing to sex.” There may be some truth here, but I would like to make a broader point. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you will embarrass yourself at the club, in front of many people. Good luck on surviving the night after embarrassing of yourself. Dancing like a fool will lower your chances of meeting someone, or even having someone approach you in a club setting.

At a house or hip-hop club, you don’t have to be a great dancer, you just have to be able to follow a beat. The 2 step works wonders if you know what you’re doing. Dance circles are dangerous, lest you know what you’re doing and have practiced for months. Dance battles are vicious. As a former raver, I can survive a circle or two, but I know my limit, and I know when to step aside. When I go to a salsa club, I know better; while I’m Hispanic, my salsa is very rusty. People who know what they are doing on the dance floor, not only light it on fire, but would outpace me without thinking twice. It’s an embarrassment I’m not willing to accept.

On the dance floor, know your limits. Know what you can, and can’t do. You’re better of not dancing, than dancing and looking awkward. This doesn’t mean you should become a pillar and hold the wall up; it means you should try talking to some of the people at the club who aren’t dancing.

Photo By: Dave Buchhofer

“The person you’re going to marry isn’t at the club,” a friend once told me. It was a message I was often reminded by friends and my experiences during my days of frequent clubbing. While I agree with the statement, exceptions to the rule exist. I have a dear friend who I often club with, who has found several quality people while out partying. I also believe she’s a quality person herself.

Outside of the exceptions, the statement my friend told me is true, very rarely are you going to find a quality date at the club. However, as guys, we often aren’t reminded or told to recognize this fact. We always believe there’s a quality person at the club just for us. I’ve seen many men fall heads of heels for a woman on the dance floor, only to get their hearts ripped out, or end up in very bad relationships. It’s not that quality women don’t go to clubs, but they aren’t the majority.

We have to remember what clubbing is about, while it’s a breeding place for meeting new and sexy people, it’s not a place where discussions about the socio-political messages of Soylent Green. Deep conversations often revolve around how deep you would like to be inside of a person. Clubbing is fun, it’s hormone and sexually charged. Often people are looking for an escape from a long work week, a bad day, or just want to have some fun; they aren’t seeking to change the world.

Many of my horrible dating stories revolve around clubs. That’s not to say I haven’t found really interesting and quality women on the dance floor. There are some very wonderful people who attend clubs, but they aren’t the majority. You can stereotype most people who attend a certain club, and be right a majority of the time. Many clubbers fall into several categories. Next time you’re at a club, take a close look at the people around you, how many of them would you consider spending the night with? How about a week? How about a lifetime? The answers to these questions should prove my point.

Men are often sold the fantasy that we’ll find a perfect woman any place we go. We’re often lied to; clubs aren’t the best place to meet women. I believe it’s one of the worse places to meet people. If you’re seeking something permanent and long term, don’t use the club as your first option. You well be highly disappointed.

Photo By: Beat Küng

While I’m fighting the sharp tingle of a hangover that pierces the back of my head, I’m reminded by a rule I’ve often broken at the club, overdoing it. There’s nothing wrong with going out and getting drunk, but there’s a limit, one many of us have passed in our adventures drinking. I’ve found ways to leave my limits waving to me on the horizon of “this is going to hurt in the morning” road many times. Getting buzzed or a bit drunk is okay, but no one loves a sloppy drunk. I’ve found that many sloppy drunk women are hit on my really creepy men, mainly because they are seen as vulnerable and an easy lay. I’ve also found many sloppy drunk men tend to me more aggressive and dickish, often finding themselves fights or passed out. Yep, this is the cats meow!

There’s nothing wrong with partying, but going to far overboard, while trying to meet someone will cause trouble.

Some of my most interesting nights begin with “at the time I already had 4 beers inside of me.” Those tend to be famous last words as my nights turn into a vibrant haze of crazy drunken foolery, and excitable events. However, I’ve found myself making a fool of myself for pushing my limits. I haven’t done anything I regret because of drinking (well, there was that one time that I gave a chick a lap dance in a chair…), but I don’t ever remember being really proud of my sexual adventures at clubs after being silly drunk.

I also don’t remember going home with someone I respected, wanted, or even cared about while being silly drunk. Most times I’ve gone home alone.

The same goes for my friends, some of them have passed out, other’s don’t remember much of the night, some have had arguments with interested parties. Between helping them find cabs, train stations, or garbage cans, I’m sure the impression they’ve left on others were memorable. I often doubt it. A sloppy, silly drunk isn’t an attractive trait, most men are turned off by it, and most women find it rude. Often, everyone regrets the morning afterwards.

I’m not suggesting people shouldn’t drink or get drunk at the club. I would be a hypocrite. I’m suggesting it isn’t the best mode to operate while attempting to find someone at a club. You’re not going to find the right person while you’re slurring. Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t going to wait for you. You’re only going to mess up your wardrobe.

Photo By: KayVee.INC

The dating blogger community is very interesting and unique. There’s as much drama, backstabbing and gossiping as in any other niche community. Someone we can’t see outside of the bubble to realize that, this is really just that, a niche. It’s a part of our lives, but at times we all believe it to be our life. That’s when we make a very large mistake.

Dating isn’t the same thing as a relationship, which isn’t the same thing as marriage. These are all niches under a larger umbrella, lifestyle. While there are magazines dedicated to dating, there’s also magazines dedicated to sports, fishing, and interior decorticating. They are all facests of our life, but not our lives. They all make up a part of our lifestyle. At one time or another, they may take the dominant position.

Why do I bring this up? For those who think this post is about you, it’s not. The larger point I’m hinting at is, dating isn’t the only thing a person can do in their life. It’s not a hobby, or a job. Even those who are professionals in the dating circle have a life outside of their job, which is directly related to dating. Life doesn’t end if you can’t find a date on Sunday, or if they don’t call you back. We all make this mistake, dating blogger or not.

Dating should add to your life, not become your sole purpose. Sometimes I felt addicted to OkCupid, when I probably should have done something else. I could have gone out, worked out more, slept earlier. While the reward from dating can be exciting and high value, so can the rewards of playing the lottery. That doesn’t mean it will be the only thing you do.

I’m recommending to Enjoy your life, get away from the dating website. Go out with friends, walk around the city, do something you like! The profiles and messages will still be there when you come back!

Photo By: Leonardo D’Amico

I’ve pointed the limited and narrow dating requirements women tend to seek in potential dates. Men tend to be more liberal, when it comes to physical characteristics, we are picky in other ways. I’ve always thought I needed a woman who loved sports as much as I do, when in actuality I needed a woman who understood my love for sports. It was the quality of the person that had given me the success I have, instead of a check list of requirements. I’m not suggesting all requirements be discarded, I’m merely saying they aren’t the primary focus.

An illustration would be a person who loves metal music. If you love Hip-Hop, it’s not a reason for you to remove them from your dating pool. Metal and Hip-Hop have produced some great artists (i.e. Linkin Park, Korn) and the two genres perform cross overs often (listen to Lil’ Wayne’s recent album or the Linkin Park/Jay-Z Mashup Album). A person who loves metal is different from them not liking music at all. A roommate of mine dated someone who hated music, he was a musician. Things didn’t work out.

When you’re searching for someone new, consider the things you would really like to do with that person. Walks on the beach? Trips the museum? Cuddling on a cold, rainy day? Watching TV together? Those things transcend beyond the ever growing checklist of requirements; the need for someone to be over 5’7” because it would be awkward; or the need for curves on a woman. Our checklists may determine how we rank people, who’s on our A, B, and C lists, but it’s not the focus of dating. eFlirtExpert Laurie Davis describes very well what happens with our dating lists as we begin to date someone (for men, read my explanation).

If you’re sticking to your guidelines, patterns emerge and when you alter the guidelines, your dating patterns may change. It may seem as a success at first, but it doesn’t guarantee the quality of your dates increase. If you started dating musicians instead of artists, that doesn’t mean you’ll stop finding assholes, it just means the assholes now play music instead of paints. While dating, I had to stop myself from meeting people at a particular bar, I wasn’t finding any quality. It didn’t mean when I went to other bars I was finding better women, honestly, I found just the same.

When I began to determine what I was seeking in a woman (humor, the ability to go to a sports game, someone who understood me, a person who enjoyed music), I began to quality dates. With my end result, I don’t feel I’ve settled at all.

Photo by: Ezwa