Since I’ve introduced my list theory, it has helped me focus on the women I should be dating instead of the women I want to date. It’s the difference between an attractive woman who fits me and the hot blonde who’s good only for her looks. When I first introduced it, I felt as if I was skipping over something important. By definition, if you’re not considered an A, B or C lister, you’re in the friend zone. There is a fourth option, the people we never expect to date.

Often, we’re in charge of our dating environment. We approach the people we want to date, they either date or reject us, we repeat until there’s success. The dating world doesn’t revolve around our wants and needs, we’re not the center of the universe. Everything else acts on their own regardless of our interaction with them. Meaning, while we’re searching for someone, another person could be seeking for us. Often this is someone we do not expect, do not anticipate, or normally would not date, but have a mutual attraction.

This person can be anybody, a coworker we always thought of as a good friend, someone we often see at the gym, an acquaintance. This person usually doesn’t fit any of our qualifications as they seem to be the complete opposite of what we’re seeking. Oddly, this person tends to make the most sense. The D-Lister is this person. They are the unexpected, unintended person we end up dating. They may be the complete opposite of who we are, but we’re okay with it. They seem to match so well into our lives, and it only makes sense to date them.

Often, you don’t seek the D-Lister, they seek you. The attraction happens naturally and the two of you end up facing an important question, what’s next? This is 50/50, some of the friends I’ve seen date D-Lister’s have been very successful. All of my D-List dates haven’t been (although I’ve only had two). Mine start out as intense passionate loves, only to fizzle months later.

I always encourage people to date those outside of their preferences, so a D-lister is of no exception. Everyone should date someone who they are attracted to, but may lie outside of their dating preferences. You may be surprised with the results.

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It’s hard to be romantically involved with someone without any physical contact. Loneliness creeps in when a relationship resorts to only Skype video calls, long phone calls, and e-mails as signs of affection. Sure you can send gifts to your lover, but it’s more rewarding if you deliver them yourself. The UPS guy becomes the conduit to your relationships. The best long-distance relationships are the short-distance ones. I like to call this the “Chinese Bus” rule. If you are able to see your lover by way of Chinese Bus on a consistent basis, then it’s worth the pursuit.

This is not to say longer-distance relationships do not work, they usually require additional elements to succeed. I’ve seen plenty of cross-coast relationships blossom into very successful and healthy pairings. There’s usually another element to ensure the success of this relationship. Usually, these individuals work for the same organization and visit different office locations in each other’s home city for an extended amount of time. While they live in across the country, they are able to spend a significant amount of time with each other without affecting their professional life. The time away does become lonely, but it’s supported by video-chats, e-mails, and phone calls, bridging the gap from visit to visit. I know of many couples who have found innovative ways to use video chat and iTunes to create and share romantic moments.

Most of the long-distance relationships I’ve been in have started thru chat rooms or virtual worlds. I would meet someone online, begin to get to know them, develop feelings for them, and end up in a “wonderful” relationship. They would usually live across the country. It would seem the further they were, the more I was interested. Just my luck! This situation becomes unreasonable, and I’ve lied to myself about the success and ability to maintain such a relationship. Every so often I find myself slowly pulled into one, only to remind myself of its hardships. When in this situation cybersex and phone sex become an important part of a relationship. However, often these relationships turn into just that, fake sex to help control impulses.

These virtual long-distance online relationships mature very quickly. There’s an emotional connection (pun intended) developed over a short time span. You learn a lot about a person in a matter of days, instead of weeks or months as in traditional dating. You’re forced to reveal more about yourself to maintain interests. These relationships usually bloom quickly and then dissolve. Often, one would last for weeks; jokingly, you’re consider married if a relationships lasts for more than a month.

Long-distance relationships can be healthy, they can also be very unhealthy. Historically, I have fallen unto the unhealthy aspects, using them as voids to fill emotional and personal problems; to escape dealing with the circumstances that develop a low-self esteem; and even to combat bouts loneliness. LDR’s have really hurt my dating ability, it’s one of the reasons I’ve remained single. Thru my periods of exclusive engagement in long distance relationships, I’ve closed myself off to many opportunities in my own area. It’s a stupid thing to do, especially while living in New York City, where there’s 8.4 million people. You would think, I would have found someone suitable, right?

The ultimate truth of long-distance relationships many aren’t told is, you need to be sure of yourself. There’s plenty of trust required in this type of relationship, you need to be able to trust the person you’re with, and they need to trust you. You also need to know it fits perfectly into your world and that you’re able to handle with the lows (which are very low) and the highs (which are very high). You also need to be sure that you will not cave into pressure, your expectations will not become completely unrealistic, and you will be completely aware of the pulse of the relationship.

It’s easy to waiver in long-distance relationships. For those who can make it work, more power to you!

Image Credit: Marty Desilets on Flickr

So how does this apply to dating? I have several friends who were great friends, and I cared about, but now tend to avoid. Most of them are female. While I think they are great and wonderful people, I often feel used by them and when hanging out, believe there’s an ulterior motive. My issue is the way they approach our friendships, some treat it as if we’re dating, others treat it like a business transaction. In both cases, there’s a tremendous amount of pressure to perform, but there aren’t any benefits. Often I feel used, guilted, and pressured to jump at a moments notice for their wishes, wants and needs. All of them are single, many unhappily. I believe their approach to friendships and other relationships have kept them single. For the women in this group, if it weren’t for their actions, I would make attempts to date them.

To be a better dater, you must be a better friend. I’m not completely innocent here; in the past I’ve often disappeared from the face of the Earth without communicating to my friends. I was being a bad friend, and at times disrespected the relationships by not explaining myself. I believe this has kept me single and fueled the lonely single feeling I’ve had in the past. Many of the lessons I’ve learned from these mistakes has made me become a better dater today.

I find those who have great friendships have very little problems finding dates. They truly respect their dates and the entire process, also allowing it to be more natural instead of forced by a set of rules and standards. If someone engages in unhealthy behavior, such as making friendships only to seek personal gain, they are going to mirror these actions in every relationship; everything becomes a means to an end. Every person you date becomes a “thing” instead of a a potentially wonderful relationship.

This applies to those who have friends with benefits. You must respect your friend. While your relationship revolves around sex, it doesn’t give you permission to treat them as a toy to sling around. There’s always a give and take, one that demonstrates your respect for the beneficiary.

I highly believe the more you respect the many relationships in your life, the more you’ll see an improvement in your dating life. It can be a small gesture such as making sure you’re timely or lending an ear when in need, or something grandiose.

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Early Internet social interaction focused on message bards, chat rooms and IM’s. By finding someone attractive online, one would have to go through extended exchanges of e-mails or IM’s; share pictures, and then schedule a face-to-face meeting. Dating websites were created and made this interaction easier and more direct. It was clear you were using Match.com to find a date, not a knitting buddy (not that the two are mutually exclusive.) Enter Craigslist. Craigslist included a personals section, which is usually filled with spam messages all linking to various pornographic websites. The problem was you couldn’t tell the difference between a real profile and a fake on, by responding to an ad you would, in turn, receive your own personal spam message. It had become very difficult to find a real person in the dating section of Craigslist. This changed when the strictly platonic section became widely used. In this the area more “real” people posted messages seeking others under the guise of being “strictly platonic.” The idea was, if you met a person without any strings attached, you removed the burden of going on an actual date and meet someone who could be a friend or become more.

This trend continued when MySpace became popular. MySpace included the option to seek single people in your area or new friends regardless of their status. During this time some of my friends were using MySpace to find potential dates. Usually it would begin with an exchange of messages and wall comments to determine a person’s interest. Then, if declared sane or safe, a face-to-face meeting would be requested although nothing concerning the relationship was set in stone. Many of my friends felt the person they were meeting were at least a friend but had the potential to be more. The first face-to-face meeting usually determined the next steps in the relationship: friend, date, unsure, or hide.

Many of these face-to-face meetings, are what I would call Non-Date Dates. NDD’s are a feeling out process much in the same way meeting someone for the first time on an online dating site isn’t a first date. When you’re engaged in this type of activity, you’re dating on the fringe, in the areas between dating and friendships. This sort of fringe dating has always existed, such as: going out with an ex, going out to a work dinner with a co-worker where there’s an attraction, or when you’ve not been dating for a while and easing back into the scene. The entire purpose of NDD’s are to act as a way to determine the relationship and make the experience comfortable for both individuals.

Recently there’s been a minor uproar concerning non-date dates and it’s place in dating. Never have I mentioned that NDD’s aren’t dates, instead it’s a type of date, much the same way a friend with benefits is a type of friend. There’s always been a grey area when it comes to dating, but when you take away much of the face-to-face interaction and replace them with digital correspondences and 140 character messages, the grey area only becomes larger. While it may be determined two people get along based on their tweets, or thru wall comments, true compatibility isn’t determined until you meet in person. If you were to meet a Twitter friend you had an attraction for and the attraction ceased upon having a face-to-face meeting, would you end the friendship? What if they aren’t attracted to you? What would happen to all of the capital that was invested during the friendship process before seeing each other? While there’s no real answer to these questions (it’s situational), it underlines the changes social media has placed in today’s modern dating world.

(Image Credit: Don Hankins on Flickr)