Since I’ve introduced my list theory, it has helped me focus on the women I should be dating instead of the women I want to date. It’s the difference between an attractive woman who fits me and the hot blonde who’s good only for her looks. When I first introduced it, I felt as if I was skipping over something important. By definition, if you’re not considered an A, B or C lister, you’re in the friend zone. There is a fourth option, the people we never expect to date.

Often, we’re in charge of our dating environment. We approach the people we want to date, they either date or reject us, we repeat until there’s success. The dating world doesn’t revolve around our wants and needs, we’re not the center of the universe. Everything else acts on their own regardless of our interaction with them. Meaning, while we’re searching for someone, another person could be seeking for us. Often this is someone we do not expect, do not anticipate, or normally would not date, but have a mutual attraction.

This person can be anybody, a coworker we always thought of as a good friend, someone we often see at the gym, an acquaintance. This person usually doesn’t fit any of our qualifications as they seem to be the complete opposite of what we’re seeking. Oddly, this person tends to make the most sense. The D-Lister is this person. They are the unexpected, unintended person we end up dating. They may be the complete opposite of who we are, but we’re okay with it. They seem to match so well into our lives, and it only makes sense to date them.

Often, you don’t seek the D-Lister, they seek you. The attraction happens naturally and the two of you end up facing an important question, what’s next? This is 50/50, some of the friends I’ve seen date D-Lister’s have been very successful. All of my D-List dates haven’t been (although I’ve only had two). Mine start out as intense passionate loves, only to fizzle months later.

I always encourage people to date those outside of their preferences, so a D-lister is of no exception. Everyone should date someone who they are attracted to, but may lie outside of their dating preferences. You may be surprised with the results.

Image Credit: brododaktula on Flickr

When I say women should look outside of their dating preferences and date different type of men, I’m talking as both a guy scorned and as someone who makes the very same mistake. My online dating mistake, one eFlirt expert has called me out on, is seeking too many A Listers. I’m sending way too many messages to my top list while ignoring my B and C Lists. Why is this a mistake? Because I’m pigeon holding myself to one type of girl. That never works!

One friend told me women know fairly early if they are attracted to a guy. Several responses on twitter about my listing idea leads me to believe women have a yes/no policy to dating. Either they will date you or not. Generally, women who appear on our A Lists have several thousand guys trying to get into their pants on a daily basis. We shouldn’t expect them to respond, more than likely they will not. By sending messages to my A List exclusively, I’m asking to get rejected, instead of having success with wonderful women on my B and C Lists. I KNOW I need to diversity in reaching out to potential dates by sending messages to all types of women, but some days I struggle following my own damn advice.

In order to find the right woman, I’m need to date plenty of other women. The perfect woman isn’t going to fall out of the sky, land in my lap and fall instantly in love with me. I need to maintain some perspective when it comes to online dating. That’s where the real valuable women lie.

(Image Credit: Free and happy on Flickr)

The Logic of the Theory

I’m going to use a sports analogy as an example for this sort of “ranking”. In football teams are power ranked, placed on a scale of 32, if ranked #1, that team is the “best” in the league; if #32 the worse. Ranks are determined by the teams overall status, not just their scheduled wins and losses. An undefeated team can be ranked lower than a team with several losses for several reasons: weaker schedule, the inability to score points, or major injuries. Throughout the course of a season a teams power ranking will change, each determined by their weekly performance. A loss one week may mean the team slides from the highest ranking to the bottom, a win could propel them in the opposite direction.

The initial teams power ranking is usually speculation, based on assumptions made on the previous years performance and expectations of the current coaching staff and players. At the end of the season when the full body of work is evaluated, a team can be more accurately ranked. While dating, particularly online dating, the same “ranking” occurs. Everyone determines interest on the first impressions: how they look, what they are wearing. As we get to know a person better, we re-evaluate our interest. There isn’t a numerical value, but we begin to act different if we are suddenly turned off or on.

Men take a very different approach to ranking our interest in a potential date than women. We tend to evaluate our options, usually approaching the women we’re the most attracted to then to the women we are the less attracted to. We’ll talk to “perfect” then to “hot” or “cute.” Sometimes we’ll talk to “cute” first, sometimes “hot”, sometimes we’ll ignore “perfect.” Our approach is determined by several factors, what we currently have, what we are currently seeking, and what we want in the immediate future.

The difference between being someone we want to someone we think is cute is purely based on how we’ve separated you in our mind. We determine if you’re someone we should approach immediately or get to know better. This difference is based on our preferences, our knowledge of a woman, and our current circumstances. This isn’t something we write down or keep note of in a little black book. It’s more natural and helps us choose which woman to approach first.

What Are These Lists

At this point, even I recognize this sounds somewhat demeaning, almost as if women are completely based on some sort of chart. Women want men to approach them, want us to choose and show our interest in them. You want us to hunt. If we have an option to choose which woman to talk to first, we need to determine what separates one woman from another. We have to find ways to separate what makes a particular woman special as compared to the rest. What these lists represent is our current level of attraction we have with a potential date. This is more about why we’re attracted to you: your looks, personality, likes, dislikes, etc. Technically there’s an infinite amount of lists, but we really pay attention to the top 3 or the dateable 3.

The A List, can also be called the “Want” List. It’s the girls we consider “perfect”. Models, actresses usually fall into this category, but so do very attractive women. Very unique women tend to appear into our A List, these are women with very distinct features or aspects to them that fit our preference. Contrary to popular beliefs it’s not all about big boobs and big butts here, but attitude, speech and profession. The more you fit our exact preference, the higher chance you will appear on our A List.

The B List is the “Hot” list. This is someone we are very attracted to even though they may fall a bit out of our usual preferences. They may not meet all of our physical preferences or have potential personality conflicts, but we are very attracted to them and want pursue a relationship. I find B Listers tend to offer more than many A Listers. The differences provide more substance and creates an environment where problems or conflicts are easier to navigate. While we aim for the A List, the B List is where we find highly attractive, quality women.

The C list is the “Cute” list, or when a person is attractive but maybe not our type. We clearly want to date this person, to get to know them better, but we’re never sure if this is a long term or a temporary situation. While we’re attracted to women who fall into our C list, something does not connect. It could be physical, emotional, personal or our own problems. The C lister is all about potential, they can either move up to the B or A List or enter the friend zone. We never know, but are willing to explore.

Every guy has some variation of an A, B, or C list, it really boils down to which woman we can approach first. These lists aren’t the same for every guy, women on my A List can appear on someone’s C List. These lists are purely subjective and based on the preferences of each individual. However, this idea of “lists” holds one truth, all men rank women and we choose which woman to approach based on our circumstances. Just because you may be on my A List, you may not the type of woman I’m ready to date right now. All this does is help us evaluate our options and opportunities we take.