Dating is a humbling process. It made me realize that I had some work to do, and bruised my ego. While dating, the realization that improvements need to be made become realized: wardrobe updates, weight loss, attitude changes are all apart of the honest realizations. It’s also often realizes that everyone may not view us the same way we view them. The problem is we often rationalize our poor decisions and other criticisms; either they didn’t understand our sense of fashion; we’re big boned; people like my attitude because I’m “being real”; and that we are perfect regardless of what anyone says. Our ego, and sense of self importance becomes the ultimate hindrance, and contributes to our dating and life success, and failures.

I’m an honest, straight forward talker. I tell it like it is, often in ways that isn’t belittling, berating, or aimed to “put down” how another individual. It can come off as harsh, although that may not be the intention. I have no problem telling anyone what I think, what I believe to be true, or my honest thought. However there is a downside, I have to take my own doses of honesty when they arise. Those who helped me thru my dating struggles were able to  give me the same elixir I’ve handed others. While the delivery varies (at times soft and kind, other times blunt), the facts continued to bruise my ego. It screamed in dissatisfaction, regardless of the clear facts presented in front of me.

To improve myself and to enter into a worthwhile relationship, I had to put my ego on a leash. I wasn’t going to change who I was as a person to find a woman, however I had to perform some actions to present and improve my success. Obviously the status quo wasn’t working. If I was as “awesome” as I thought I was, I would have had many types of worthwhile and successful relationships in the past. Instead of a dating blogger, I would have written a relationship book. It was clear that I wasn’t as awesome as I thought I was, and had to work on the things that made me, awesome-er. Did this mean I had to change the core elements that made me who I was? No, however I did have to work on a few things, such as my pessimistic attitude towards dating, the image I portrayed to other women, and most importantly how I presented myself to the outside world.

Often, what I find, is that our ego gets in the way for the things we really want. Not just a date, but a successful relationship. Often we convince ourselves that a person isn’t worth of our time, effort, or energy due to a minor flaw, or that we are somehow above dating certain people. In most cases, we’re being shallow, dishonest, and egotistical; pretending that the world revolves around us when in we’re disillusioning ourselves. In most cases we’re the ones that need to work on our flaws and open our eyes to the great people we’ve pushed aside for something “better.”

Often, better, rarely comes.

More than likely, if you’re reading this post and can think of another person who it applies to, but you may need a better look in the mirror. There’s always something you can work on, improve on to better your success in both dating and life. Take a good look in the mirror and take an honest, clear reassessment. Ask your friends, even your enemies of what they think about you, what your flaws are, figure out if they are right and begin to work on them.

No body is perfect, not even yourself. Quit fooling yourself that you are, and begin to improve yourself.

Photo by njwilson23

My father once told me, I should listen to my enemies more than my friends. While my friends may be honest, they often sugarcoat the truth and tolerate my absurdities. My enemies tend to often be direct and brutally honest in their critiques. He suggested their honesty may reflect a realities closer to the truth opposed to the way I would often think about myself. In a way, it allows honesty by looking at myself thru a different set of eyes.

We don’t like to hear from our loudest critics, they can be demoralizing and deflating. In ignoring our critics, I believe we’re lying to ourselves about our accomplishments, and placing pedestals higher than actuality. We often lie to ourselves, and it’s very evident when it comes to dating. We tend to have an inflated ego, and like to believe we are the best; everyone should be dating us, and our choices should be limitless. By doing this, we often ignore our deep seeded flaws that prevent us from meeting the right one. Maybe we should have placed more of an effort in making calls. Maybe we should have been more honest with how we felt and what we thought about a potential relationship. Maybe we should have be more honest on our dative profile.

These potential flaws are endless.

I invite criticism. I enjoy hearing it from friend and foe alike. It doesn’t mean I take stock in every comment, but I listen to them. Often there will be a few patterns that emerge, which would require a closer look at myself. An example, a “frenemie” often made comments about how I dressed. It wasn’t until I asked a friend if the critique was accurate that I saw the truth. I was a horrible dresser and didn’t have any fashion sense. It hindered my professional and personal life. My friend didn’t want to mention the fact to me for fear of hurting my feelings, however my foes would find it as a source of their discontent.

We often have very lofty opinions about ourselves, even if accurate. We need to listen to what our enemies have to say to provide a different prospective. I almost wish all of my bad and failed dates told me what they did not like about me. What were they expecting, what they received, and what was lacking. It would have helped earlier in my dating life, I would have been able to identify certain problems sooner and work on them. However we all receive some form of feedback. For instance, if were going on many dates, but not finding someone worthwhile, there’s something we’re doing wrong. Maybe the doses of reality are in front of us, but we rather ignore them to preserve our egos.

Maybe the truth is, we’re not as awesome as we think we are and need to address those flaws to truly become as awesome as we can!

Photo by Jeff the Trojan