Handling rejection is the most difficult aspect to dating. One of the reasons men and women hesitate from approaching is their own fear being rejected. Approaching a woman lays on the shoulder of us men, and having a woman tell us “no’ is a huge reason why we suffer from approach anxiety. It’s also the reason we act awkward when approaching a woman, we don’t know what to do.

Approaching a woman is simple if you keep two things in mind: first, act as a normal human being and second, don’t be scared of being told no.

The corny pickup lines rarely work. The practiced sets that PUA’s often talk about are more effective, but have a large chance of not working. While magic tricks, jokes, and fluff material dating books often recommend do help, they aren’t rejections silver bullet. My best successes are based on acting normally, as myself. We all respond best to a person who acts genuinely; approaching a woman is no different. It’s okay to be nervous or a bit timid, but making the attempt as yourself, rather than Don Juan will make you seem less silly, and more approachable.

Many of my friends would tell me, “what are you scared of?” Often, I would answer with my fear of being told no. No is a powerful word in the English vernacular; it’s commanding, forceful, and poignant. However, it’s just a word. At the end of the day, the word means nothing. Being told no, often doesn’t break bones, harm anyone, or cause physical damage. The word only damages our emotions and mental state. The fear of the word “no” is often outweigh the successes of a “yes” although it shouldn’t. The results of a “yes” far outweighs a “no.” I’ve often stopped myself from approaching a woman, for the fear she may say “no” forgetting the fact that she may say, “yes!” When laid out in that manner, being scared of “no” sounds, and is silly. Get over the fear!

Everyone is guaranteed to get rejected at some point in their life. Life doesn’t provide a group of “yes” people. When rejection happens, life continues, and we become strengthened by the lessons or the results of the rejection. Often, rejection tends to open doors elsewhere we’ve never sought.

Most nice guys have little fashion sense or try to fit into an uncomfortable style. I’m the most comfortable in polo shirts, button downs, and khakis. For a while I turned into a jeans and t-shirt guy and thought I would be more attractive, however I never felt comfortable in this style. Through this transition, I would make horrible clothing choices that would qualify me for a wardrobe makeover reality show. Thanks to my dating coach, I’ve discovered layering and have mixed these two styles into a very comfortable casual look. It’s a comfortability that is reflected in my actions.

I’m not a mind reader, but there are some hints to indicate if a woman is interested. Body movements, looks across the bar, a friendly smile are all indications that she may be interested. A guy never knows unless he approaches a woman, which is the kryptonite of nice guys. Approaching to a woman is easier than it looks (although I still have problems.) One has to remember to be “normal.” An example, at a club on this Thursday night, I approached two women (or a 2-set for you PUA’s) and asked “where’s your crew?” soon explaining that in New York City women generally go out in packs. I did obtain their numbers by the time I was done. You must approach women without indicating you want immediate sex or that you’re clearly not her type. Give her a reason to talk to you, have a conversation. Do not use obvious pickup lines (“Girl you must be tired, ‘cause you been running through my mind all night!”) or geeky, obscure references (“Did you know that Boba Fett is the best bounty hunter of all time?”) There are some exceptions to the rule here (for instance if you happen to be at a Star Wars convention.) Remember, your approach should be tailored to the environment.

The last thing nice guys have to do is maintain their nice guy status! You can still be a nice guy and meet plenty of women in bars and clubs by maintaining your respect for them. This means you’re not trying to grind against them or touching them inappropriately without their permission; looking at their face instead of their breasts; or leading conversations immediately to sex. One woman who I met at a club, enjoyed the fact that I was a nice guy and didn’t try to rub myself against her. She liked me so much, she invited me to breakfast after the party ended.

There are other small tips that can help nice guys when trying to meet women at clubs and bars in New York. Many of these tips can be found in The Game (such as not approaching women with their backs turned to you and how to approach a group of women) all while maintaining your nice guy status. Nice guys are more likely to get noticed, we’re a dying breed in the club/bar scene. We just need to make sure we stand out.