My “Polyamorous” Relationship

In the New Oxford American Dictionary, the term polyamory is defined as “the philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.” To be in a polyamorous relationship means you have multiple lovers, but what about multiple loves? For almost two years I’ve been in a relationship with 3 other women, who are all across the country. All of them are single, two of them are in monogamous relationships, and all of them I consider loves. These women are very important to me, as we are emotionally invested into one another. They are more than friends, but short of benefits, and all very important to my life. They are so embedded into my inner circle, it feels as if we are in a polyamorous relationship.

The same way non-date dates are “kind-of” dates, these women are “kind-of” girlfriends. I am emotionally connected to them, but there isn’t any sex. My father had a similar relationship with a co-worker, over the years they had grown so close to each other their relationship turned into a deeper connection. It was deeper than friendship but well short of lovers; they both were happily married! I believe in the human ability to love more than one person, where we can have deep loving connections with many individuals. These aren’t people we pick up at the bar and have one night stands, these individuals are very important components in our lives. Without them we would feel lost, confused and dazed. This connection isn’t a physical or sexual, its more emotional and spiritual.

I know there are those who will correct me about the use of the word “Polyamorous”. The argument I’ve heard is my connection with these women isn’t a true polyamorous relationship, I’m not “in love” or currently having sex with these women. I don’t believe that is the requirement for a loving relationship in my book, nor is that the point I’m trying to make here. We have many relationships with other individuals, from acquaintances to frenemies to married. We must recognize the most meaningful relationships in our lives, embrace and experience them before we can begin any serious relationships with another, or before we consider dating another person. Ever try dating someone without any friends? It’s a sad sight. My relationship with these three women are very important to me and my life, the same way there’s an importance with the relationship I have with my mother and sister. My “wifies” as I like to call them, have unprecedented access to me. They are allowed to call me at 3 am in the morning (it’s never about sex), they can interrupt dates (if it is important) and know deeply about my personal life (including this blog). Any one I’m in a committed relationship with must understand their importance and be comfortable with them.

We all have many relationships like these, besties, families, ex-girlfriends turned dear friends. I believe, in order to best succeed in our dating lives we must embraces these relationships, enjoy them for what they are, and be honest with our partners about them (when the time is right.) Some may even recommend finding more relationships like these to help improve your levels of intimacy. These relationships cannot be forced, many in certain circumstances they could have been your wife, in other circumstances an ex-lover. Regardless of what you call them or how you define them, you must respect them.

(Image Credit: nullalux on Flickr)