Don’t Forget Yourself, Don’t Sacrifice Yourself

How many times have you sacrificed yourself for someone else? Sometimes it’s rewarding, especially when the other person appreciates it. You performed a favor for them. Maybe they were a friend, family member, someone who appreciates you, your time, and appreciates what you’re doing for them. Sacrificing your time for a loved one and for a person is usually worth the effort and it strengthens the relationship. We don’t consider these sacrifices, more as favors, or something to do. Taking a Saturday afternoon off to have coffee with a friend to discuss a problem or to catch up is a sacrifice in time, but usually not seen as one if the two people are willing.

What about someone you’re dating, especially for the first time?

Over the past few months, I’ve been engaged in a series of e-mails with several women surrounding their dating lives. In most of their cases I’ve found a common thread, they’ve sacrificed themselves for a guy, but has been burned. The way they went about this sacrifice are all very different, but at the end they fell spurned and are upset about the results. Most of these guys were short-term relationships and no longer than two and a half months. What occurred in this time was the guy became the source of their happiness. He was the reason they were happy, without him, they’ve seemed to become bitter, upset and angry not just at him, but other men.

This happens to everyone, both guys and girls. We met someone new, fall heads over heels for that person, and suddenly life is grand. As if our life is suddenly justified by their existence in our life. What happened to us? Our lives? We were not happy before we met this person?

I’ve in the past made this mistake, it’s in part why I took the abuse of Invisible Woman and engaged in so many long distance relationships. I wasn’t able to find my happiness in person, so I found it somewhere else. Online. Somewhere along the line I wasn’t happy with myself. I had to work on my flaws, my issues, but was stubborn to acknowledge them. There was a period of my life, especially my dating life, where I blamed everyone for my mistakes, but never took the personal responsibility. Women never approach men in droves (unless your famous) but in my mind I assumed they would.

My friends, who have a successful dating life, tend to also be very happy with themselves. They usually have an active social life with friends or family, work on the issues they have, and don’t rely on any particular person or thing as a source of happiness. They maintain a certain perspective, one that places their wants, wishes, and goals first, and only sacrifice themselves for others when they want and are able to do so without harm.

Dating must be approached the same way. Sometimes sacrifices are worth it, other times they are not. Like performing a favor for a friend, determine if a certain sacrifice while dating is truly worth the effort.

If not, put that effort into yourself.

Image Source: Beate Catharina in Wavria on Flickr