Single City Guy

The discussion of whether men or women should approach first, is much like discussing whether the chicken or egg came first. Who cares which one came first, we should focus on better questions like, why’d it cross the road? Many may remember the way they met their partner, but that experience doesn’t have any significant impact on the relationship. A guy approaching a woman first, doesn’t indicate a relationship will last longer than a woman approaching a guy. The romanticized first meeting, is usually a casual get together. How many couples have you met, were introduced by friends, or at a house party, or even at work? The horse-drawn carriages, flowers, and violinist in the background are often saved for anniversaries and engagements.

The complaint about men, or women, not approaching first is rooted in personal preference, and feelings. The first is easy to explain, we’re lazy when it comes to love. The current generation’s approach to dating and love is “oh they should do it!” instead of “I should do this!” Take a moment, and read some of your favorite dating blogs, and magazines (including this blog). Notice how much finger-pointing, and responses to the finger-pointing occurs. While some justified, there’s some needless finger-pointing about issues that truly don’t matter. It’s because we’re lazy and rather someone else do the heavy lifting, instead of taking it upon ourselves.

The most absurd thing, are out feelings, and how we “feel” the other “should” do.

Women say they want a man to approach them, because they want to feel wanted. In my experience, approaching a woman at a bar, or on the street hasn’t drawn a response of gratitude for feeling wanted, but more a response of feeling disgusted, annoyed, that yet another guy is trying to get her attention. This idea that a guy, approaching a woman to make them feel wanted, is nonsense. In actuality, I believe it’s the feeling of insecurity that arises. Women, like men, don’t want to look foolish when they approach someone, and begin to flirt. It’s the idea that, they don’t want to get their heart crushed by placing it on the line for someone they like. It’s an understandable feeling, and very rationale. However, when it’s a guy who’ve you’ve never met, and noticing for the first time at the bar, café, bus; there hasn’t been enough time for you (or anyone) to develop intimate feelings of “like.” You’re merely attracted. The notion that your heart will get crushed by a complete stranger blowing you off is absurd.

Guys have a different excuse, one that’s not any less absurd. We resort to horrible pickup lines, lame tools of persuasion, even acts of masculinity to approach a woman. Like, women, this is only a mask for the feeling of insecurity, but more importantly, the feeling of fear of rejection. Guys won’t admit it, but rejection is the biggest fear for men when it comes to dating. We’re frightened of a woman telling us “no”, and often internalize it. In many cases a “no” has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with the woman’s situation. Rejection shouldn’t spark the same fears and frights that a horror movies often provokes. Much like a horror movie, when it’s over, that feeling of fear disappears. We fear rejection, as if someone has pointed a loaded gun to our head, with every intent to pull the trigger. The difference is, we can walk away and protect ourselves. It’s crazy that we’re petrified of a two letter word, and it’s every crazier that we draw back from meeting someone new, because of this fear. The word no, isn’t the boogie man who hides underneath the bed, that’s going to eat our souls. Grown men, shouldn’t act this frightened.

Both men and women need to get past the feelings that prevent us from saying anything. As the YouTube video above demonstrates, these fears often create could-have-been love stories. We often hold back our feelings, and what we want to say, instead of acting on the impetus. All of us should stop being scared, and start acting on what our feelings tell us. Who cares how a relationship begins, only that it begins.